We Were The Greatest...Me And You...

In thinking about how to write about the 'why' I have a broken heart, I guess it makes sense to go back and look at how I got 'here'. Where is 'here'?

Here is here.

The day I met my first husband for the first time, I looked at him and saw forever. I could see us growing older together, having children and grandchildren and a lot of other things that seem silly now, but meant everything then.

I was 18. What did I know? Everything. What 18 year old doesn't?

When we divorced, I was devastated. But I was a martyr. He had gone through so many different women during our marriage that at 23, I did not have to do any heavy emotional lifting. It was his fault. Not mine. I was a great wife.

That attitude carried me through dating and falling in love again, but it didn't do me any favors in the long-run. Not having to look at myself meant that I married a second man who not only didn't love me, but wouldn't. Notice I did not say 'couldn't'? There is a big difference.

I tell people that your righteous indignation about an affair only happens when it's your first time dealing with one. Once you have suffered the emotional destruction of either finding out someone you love is having an affair, or having one yourself, your indignation turns to something else.

Or at least it did for me. I learned to forgive.

It is interesting that I am trying out this 'remove grief' during Lent thing and this week has hit me like a ton of bricks. Every regret I had from the past year reared up and kicked me in the face this week. Thanks grief. You bitch.

Yes, right. I forgot. The story. Chato and I. March 16, 2008. That's the day that changed my life. I turned my life upside down. I learned who I was not. I learned who I am. A simple blog comment on the world's largest sex site. Up until that day, I had gotten away with 2 years of: I'm just here to blog, thank you. What happened?

That day should be an anniversary of sorts for me. In fact, a year after, Chato and I were still trying to decide what our anniversary was so we could celebrate in style. We settled on a date in April.

But no, it was March. 16. 2008...

A simple, cheeky comment about Apple and the iTunes monster. I ignored it for a few days. The 'stranger' commenting on my post was unwelcomed on my blog. Who was this guy and what did he think he was doing joining my little blog party? Didn't he see that I had a ton of friends there? What was he trying to do?

Maybe it hurt him that he looked like perfection. Who knows. All I know is that 3 days later we began our friendship.

Nothing has been the same since. Nothing…



Lyrics | Adele lyrics - I'll Be Waiting lyrics

And I Can't Spend My Whole Life Hiding My Heart Away...

So I made a decision today. No, it wasn't today, it was over the weekend, to post on my other site for a while. To test out the waters and to see if fun there is possible.

Deep down inside, I am aware that I can only say so much there. That is why this will remain my 'home'. It's safe. I can say what I need to. I can finally start this story. I can move on and move forward and do all those clichéd things people do when they want to grow. Maybe they aren't so clichéd.

Maybe today is not the right day to start. I outed a bully and she replied with a threat. That doesn't upset me.

I met with resistance from someone I thought would do something important. That can't upset me.

My heart is broken. It has been for a while. That worries me.

I have tried to say it is healed. It is not. I have tried to say it is okay. It is not. I have tried to say I am fine. Right.

Am I having fun? Yes. I am doing and going and being.

That has to be enough, yes? And yet it isn't. My heart is broken. After a full year I know that as much as I smile and as happy as I am and as much as I am attempting to be good with the universe, I am still not sure how someone deals with a broken heart. I'm not good at it. Is anyone? No, only people who distance themselves from others could possible be good at this kind of thing.

I am not sure when it is supposed to heal. I would say 'don't tell anyone I said this', but I just blogged about it. That's the first step to fixing something, right? Admitting there is a problem.

Well, I have a problem. My heart is broken and I'm a little tired of it.

My heart is not broken for a person, it is broken because an ideal is gone. An opportunity. A thing bigger than him, me, us.

My heart is broken because I am too busy trying to say all is well to deal with why I am still sad. Why disappointment still hurts. Why a decision made in anger changed everything I felt about someone and how he felt about me.

I Wish I Could Lay Down Beside You...

When you have friends who insist on treating you both fairly and honestly, you can find yourself totally annoyed.

There. I said it out loud.

This is a true story. You have been warned.

I know when a person has given away too much and wants to hold onto something for themselves. I don't even need them to tell me. I can just feel it. I know when a person just wants to have fun and not get too serious and I know when they are lying to themselves and others.

I'm not a witch.

I just know myself.

22 years. That's how long I've been on my own. From the age of 16, I've been either taking care of myself or taking care of others.

This is nothing to get overly excited about it just is what it is.

But now that I've sent off a child to college; now that I've been divorced for a couple of years from a man who really didn't like me let alone love me and now that I have spent the past year dating, I can say:

Sometimes, I have no clue. Not one freaking clue. Not about myself and not about others.

I've met so many peolpe who say that they want x or y when in reality they are still at the start of the alphabet.

And...I've stepped aside to let others choose their own course of action so often that I should really have my picture on a road sign and then I could become part of the DMV test.

I listen to what people around me say and I wonder if they hear themselves. Often the answer is: No. They do not. They talk a great game but they are liars. Or maybe they honestly have no idea what they are doing.

Either way it is a little scary.

Screaming Fire In A Crowded Room...

Then Whispering It's All Really Okay...

A Public Service Announcement.

An accusation of assault is one we should all take very seriously.

Especially since have all been reminded of how we should build 'community' around here...we must stand together, right? Voice our opinions. Tell someone when they have wronged us. If we are told that words hurt, then surely physical acts of violence require even more outrage. Honest outrage. Protection for those who can not protect themselves.

It is the type of accusation that I believe requires all of our attention. Immediately. No one has a right to physically intimate, assault or restrain someone against their will. Period.

I have been a member of a specific 'online community' for five years. I have seen many things go on and I almost always stay out of everyone's way. There is never a time for me to blindly follow a story line. I know the tales people weave to create their images. In real life this sucks. Online it is magnified.

But there are some stories that require a voice to say: No, that is not true.

Friday night was my reminder of that.

While I was speaking to someone who believes that I should have stood up for them against someone's else's words, and while I was accused of being a bad friend by their husband.

I admit it: I lost it.

For 7 months, I have silently watched while fireworks went off around there. Perhaps I should have said something. I don't know. I assumed it would all blow over. But it hasn't.

How do I know? Because this woman voiced something that she and I both know is not true. But this time, she said it directly to me.

She accused someone of assaulting her. Making her fearful. Restraining her. And then she said: They were drunk.

All four statements are not true. I know, because I was there for most of the night that this happened, and two other bloggers caught the 'action' I missed. These two other bloggers were used as a defense again on Friday and yet we all know it isn't true. They never said what she keeps implying.

In fact, I saw all of the parties involved the very next night and saw the post party pics. The accused and the accuser: Smiling. Together.

The post event texts and calls that went on for months after the 'act of violence'. The erotic pictures. Everything.

I saw it all. And I sat back and said: Fuck this. If no one else will say anything, I will go to Paris, I will plan our group's Vegas trip and then I am done talking about this here or there or anywhere. Perhaps I am the only one worrying about this fact vs. fiction and I must stop.

And then on Friday, while I was being accused of being a 'bad friend' to someone I had to remind has no friendship with me outside of the internet, I heard it:

The attack on another blogger.

I'm tired of it. If you're willing to throw this person under the bus. The person you dedicated numerous blog posts to; the person you know you were more than just 'blog friends' with, the person you actively sought out on many occasions, what will you say about your other friends? What are you saying? How often have you repeated this story that you have said, in writing, was an exageration?

The truth is I do not want to find out.

Ever.

I want this to end. Why? Because it is wrong.

Do you all hear what I am saying? It is wrong to accuse anyone of anything that is not true.

And if you find yourself on the receiving end of accusations and you know you can prove them to be lies, I want you to ask yourselves if we, as a community, have a right to know when one of our own is not honest about things that are relevant to our safety.

Yes, that goes for anyone here who has ever been accused of anything they know is not true: How did this make you feel? Better yet, how does it make you feel now. Time passes, but a betrayal feels the same, right? It never goes away. You look at someone and know they will lie, sometimes to your face, just to keep their standing.

You want to know why I didn't say anything before today? Because I was asked to sit silently even when I knew better.

Perhaps that is the real reason why I shut down my blog there and have been writing elsewhere. I was tired of being told what I could write. What our 'community' wanted to hear.

That's my mistake. I forgot that we all have a voice.

I forgot that when you know someone puts their own place on a virtual perch higher than the safety and integrity of their 'friendships' than everyone loses.

It is wrong to scare people with words. It is wrong to make accusations you know are false.

(originally posted on alternate blog site: 3.27.11)

Rodney King Called...He Says Getting Along Ain't Gonna Happen...

And now...a true case of online bullying:

We read a lot about cyber-bullying now that everyone is everywhere. There is no place to escape from some of the things said about us...or the things we say about others. Things like emails and blog posts and texts can last forever. And often, too often, they can find their way into the hands of people we'd prefer never knew just how mean we are to those around us.

I have thought about this a lot lately because a few weeks ago, I had a series of emails sent out about me by some of my fellow bloggers on a different site. Well, let me not exaggerate - it was not a big group. It was 4 people. Three of them had met me, one had not. One of them was involved in the original conversations, 3 of them chose to involve themselves later.

No, I will not disclose the names. I will only say that it was all much ado about nothing.

I would not rescind an invite to someone who wanted to attend a party. Why? Well, for a few reasons:

1. I didn't extend the offer in the first place;

2. It wasn't my party to say 'no' to;

3. The people being excluded have/had never done anything to me and I had never crossed into their blogging home before I was asked to exclude them. Funny, right? I should dislike people I didn't even know. To not dislike them out of hand meant that I am too dumb to make decisions. It's a wonder I can cross the street. Hold down a job. Raise a kid. Oh, wait....

When the first round of emails arrived in my in-box (they had been sent to a number of other bloggers and never to me until a friend forwarded them) I was surprised that things like my parenting skills; choice of friends; who I sleep with and my job had been tossed into the mix simply because I insisted on staying out of the initial argument...yeah, because it had nothing to do with me.

What was the offense? I refused to take sides.

Not because I am a punk but because it isn't for anyone to demand that I:

1. Choose a side in anything because I make my own decisions;

2. Get others to call or email me to demand that I choose a side or sides (see above item #1);

3. Try to bully me into choosing a side or sides (see above items);

4. Think that talking about me behind my back does anything to actually bother me.

Yes, I know. Bitchy sounding, right?

Yeah, I already heard that I'm not as nice as people think. You are right.

I am not.

Now, I could have easily started posting some of the things said in these back and forth conversations but why bother? I knew that once I stepped away the bullying would find a new venue because that is how it works.

That's why I called bullshit.

I spent my life being popular. Again, bitchy thing to say. I know. My popularity isn't built on anything other than being totally honest. If I don't like something I will tell you. But I will never shout it from a roof-top, I will quietly tell you when no one else is around. Then you get to choose how you want to deal with me. Apparently, adults like honesty. Go figure.

I read something that a brilliant writer wrote last night and I chose to make a reference to one line: No one here is insignificant. Yes, I chose to not focus on the rest of the post.

Every single writer out there has something to say. Every single one. Will you always like it? No, probably not.

But maybe instead of following people around to see where they are commenting, you might consider doing something like sending a private email to someone to ask why they felt a certain way. I dunno, maybe that's just me.

To be honest, I'm an asshole for suggesting it.

It's far easier to set flame to everyone around us than to say: Hey, why do you feel this way?

So I say 'fuck it'. I loved my other blogging place for years. To be honest, there are so many wonderfully gifted writers there that I am sad I can't find any place safe to comment except for a very small group of bloggers. Thanks, said bloggers, for keeping a blanket ready for when I am cold.

But before I finish this ill-formed monologue, let me say this:

Every single one of us has a friend who says things we either wish we could say or wouldn't say but have thought. Don't lie to yourselves because some of you are actually writing posts on behalf of those bloggers right. as. we. speak.

Go ahead and tell me you aren't.

The point? Yes, sometimes things are said that we don't like, or agree with or don't know the reason behind, or, or, or, or.

Find a better way to ask 'why' instead of group-think. That's killed off all civilized communities since the dawn of time.

And another thought: Sometimes, people have something going on in their lives that makes them more susceptible to a rant or an angry word or whatever. Leaping on that person like sheep on steriods is really only going to make matters worse.

It ends up making the 'victim' look like a bully.

And yes, I did go all "Hakuna Matata" on your asses.

Sex, The Single Girl And The World's Largest Adult Site...

Yes, I am an adult site drop-out.

How did this happen? Wait, which part? Well, first, quiet down, it wasn't always a sex site. Then it was. I was there for both personality shifts.

So maybe I was more of an accidental sex site drop in before I was a drop out. We'll work through that later.

Now, since I live in a city that should be a mecca for dating (and isn't), I have learned quite a few things about dating, sex sites and the adult male species. Namely:

Men love attention. Yes, it is true. It is not always sexual attention that they love. Sometimes, they just want to goof off for a few hours telling you stories. True. Stop laughing.

The men on Match, E-harmony, Plenty of Fish, AFF, Ashley Madison, OK Cupid and Boyswanttomeetgirls.com are all the same.

No, not that they are similar in personalities. They are the same men. Ask any of them. The honest ones will tell you that they are on multiple sites. No, it does not matter if they are married or single. They are branching out, okay?

Don't be a hater.

Men, for the most part, do not seem to have a lot of like-minded male friends after they get married. How does this happen? I’ve got a thesis proposal to submit to Smarty about this.

You'll see women who have friends from childhood. Ask most men who their friends are - the ones they really share deep things with - and they will point to a woman.

This is fine, okay? I'm not saying it isn't. But men...you need male friends and you need to be honest with them. Just letting you know. It just may well extend your lives.

No one...repeat after me...no one wakes up and says: Today I will have an affair.

That is not what these sites are for in the beginning. Just an FYI for you.

Yes, affairs happen, but it is not as simple as most people seem to want to believe. It is not that your husband sucks. Or that you suck. Sorry.

I know that hurts the most. It’s easier to say someone was awful. Well, I’ve now seen it all and even done a lot of it. It’s just not as black or white as we all make it out to be.

A million stories exist out there. Each of us only has our own to tell. Yet, far too often, these sites become places where everyone wants to tell any story but the one they know best.

That’s why I am here. To tell you mine. Why? Well, it isn’t so special and that alone makes it unique.

So yes, I am an adult site drop out. And I am not in any way embarrassed by this. I grew up a lot ‘over there’ and I wouldn’t undo any of it for any reason.

I Will Not Forsake The Colors That You Bring...

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

...Stuck In A Moment; U2

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of passion... How does one define something so vague, so fluid, so too-often out of reach?

Far too often, we find it when we are either least expecting it or when we can least really understand how it will change our lives. But that is the thing, without it, what do our lives really mean?

I love the idea of passion. To be swept away by a feeling. To want to jump, heart first into something. That's what life is about, right? Leaping. To find the beauty in something that perhaps no one else sees.

Faith.

To be honest, I am not thinking specifically about the passion associated with love or lust, but also the passion we find for things like our careers or destinations or our friends and families.

I find that many people hold just a little bit of themselves back and with that hedging comes, I honestly believe this, an inability to truly leap.

Now, the truth is, I am guilty of this. Yes, I can say it until I am blue in the face, but last night I was reminded of the hedging that I do with people. Even when I simply want to act, I don't always.

It isn't for any other reason than I don't want to impose.

No, that isn't true. Not really. You see, I believe everyone deserves the leap. No one should live a life of grey. There is too much color out there for us to sit in a box and wait for the lid to close on us one day.

But to find that color, that passion, takes trust. Trust that if one day you are without it, that you will be okay. Trust that you deserve it. Trust that it does, indeed, exist. Trust that if you lose it, you will be okay.

To trust in passion.

How wonderfully poetic. To trust in something you can not see.

That's what I want. I remember being in Paris and thinking: I want to feel like this forever. Then I came home and life started to intrude just a little too often and I had to remind myself that I'm capable of passion and color and leaping.

So, to any of you out there who have heard me say you need to find your passion. You deserve it. Next time, call my bluff because so do I.

Besides, this 'awesome search' ain't gonna start itself.