Sunday, August 7, 2011

Here I Am, On A Cloud...

As I drift through the sky
Shooting cupid's arrow you just might try
So don't miss baby, take your time
.....Erykah Badu, 4 Leaf Clover

I went out to find the ever elusive 'North County Trail' today and found success!

I found the 1 mile mark on the south end of the trail and unpacked my bike for a ride. I got a few miles in before I hit some flooding so I took that as a sign that it was time to go home.

Or at least to the book store.

It's funny: When I ride my bike I prefer to have nothing going on around me but the sound of my breathing, birds and the cadence of my spokes turning. It's so very unlike when I go for a run. Maybe because I often want to pretend I'm not running, or running somewhere else, I find that it's better to have music playing, or at least a song in my head.

Lately, it's been 'Jesus of Suburbia' for some reason.

But the other day it was 'our song'.

I remember the day I was walking to work while on the phone with 'The One'. Erykah Badu had just finished playing on my iPod and it hit me that I was in love. That's probably the first time that I said 'I love you' even though I knew how he had felt for weeks, or maybe months.

Even now, I love him.

Yesterday I realized how angry I am at him. Because he thought I was hiding something, he set out to find someone else, then spent a year hiding it.

Yes...the man I call 'The One' had a girlfriend for a year, while saying to me that I didn't love him enough. While arguing with me that we needed time apart. While telling me we were meant to be together. Forever.

Sometimes I don't really know what I think about this. I have been married twice and both husbands found other loves while with me. Perhaps that is my role in life: To help people find what they need.

I thought I was over the affairs of my exes, but while I was supposed to be focused on my training, it hit me for a moment that all the while I had a feeling that something was off last year, I didn't think it was another woman. I thought it was me.

Now I know it was us. That's not any easier in many ways, but it is more balanced.

I've had a lot of dating, romance and love in my life, but as I was trying to remember which way to head downhill on my bike today, I got a little hit of fear in my head about what's next.

My girlfriends here want to set me up, but I'm not interested.

Even people that I like say that I don't seem to be all that into them and maybe it's true or maybe I'm much more cautious about relationships without even realizing it.

Sort of like riding downhill. I keep the breaks at the ready, just in case. I spend probably way too much time scanning between my front tire and the road ahead, waiting for something to happen: A rock, a bad road, a chipmunk or even another cyclist. With all this preparation, I'm still not enjoying the ride downhill, which sucks because I worked so hard to ride uphill and reach the crest.

I hear that to be a better cyclist takes practice...a lot like being a better partner in a relationship.

I'm starting to forget where Tri training starts and relationship building starts.


Chris said...

I don't know..a years a long time to NOT tell somebody something like that..I just can't imagine that for that long.

I just hope you're enjoying the ride and not worrying too much about what's around the next've proved yourself enough by now you can handle it so worrying about it might waste too much time not just enjoying the view and letting life come to you along the way :-)

Besides you're on the clock for a new destination anyway right ?? Sounds like the pressures more local from now on !!! lol Kidding I'm kidding :-D

Lady_X said...

Its good to be cautious. And just perhaps, it isn't that you don't seem to be "into" them, its that they don't fully see the real you...they're expecting you to respond to them with other people's actions. Eother way, you're cycling down the new path of you!

BenSmarty said...

I don't know about your "role in life." I think one of these days you'll be ready to see what you need and then go and take it. Then happily ever after... :)

Christy G said...

Every time I ended a relationship I added what I wanted or didn't want in my next relationship to the list. Want to compare lists ?

How can you be 'really into' others when you didn't really have closure with the one.

You have grown & learned a great deal about yourself & others in your life this year. You got yourself up the hill, find a way to enjoy the ride down with out the brakes.

Easier said than done !

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Chris: Yes, it is. I am still a little confused about it on some levels, I guess. I knew there was something happening, but not what.

Okay, I love my training schedule! I've already picked out towo spring races so I know what I'll be doing in April :) It is nice.

ugh! Date local! You mean, where they live near me? Oh GOD!

@El: I like cautious - that way I don't step out into traffic. :)

Sometimes I laugh that they have butterfly nets and I'm trying to outfly the catch. Maybe I should stop saying that?

@Smarty: Then WHAT IS MY ROLE!? I need one, quickly!

@Christy: My list is so short:

be respectful to yourself and others; don't force decisions on me, let me have Paris to myself and understand that A comes before all other people. How hard is that, lol.

talk to you this weekend!

Artemis J said...

What Smarty said.

Something about you that I are not a cynic. Regardless of the heartache, you remain to be all about love.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Arty: I do love love. I totally believe in it and the powerfullness of a great relationship.

You know what's funny? I don't even feel unlucky in love. I feel like I've had a great run so far and I can't really complain. Maybe it's because I got A in the deal or maybe it's just the San Diego vibes running through me. :)

Ceiladgh said...

Do they have to have a real separation though? Both are best built with attention ...
And well .. I think that sometimes when we are least expecting to find someone to treasure, who can return in - we then find it dropped in our laps.

And well .. every encounter is a new experience, even if it's mud on the trail or someone who "wasn't quite"...

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Ceiladgh: Ahh, mud on the tail! I love mud on tails. I have some, myself and it is pretty empowering to recognize my own imperfection. :)

Or imperfections. :)