Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Let This Be My Last Word, That I Trust In Your Love...

Rabindranath Tagore
...Scholar, Poet, Teacher

I just spent the day talking with two of my girlfriends about trust.

It started innocently enough. Two of us watch Mob Wives and we were having a discussion about friendships. That sort of transitioned into how women treat each other.

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I put my female friendships above other things. Yes, I can get mad at my girlfriends, but there are some women who will always be 'in' because I trust them to always be as honest with me as possible.

Maybe that is an odd way to phrase it, but I am sure that people have different levels of friendships or different things you expect out of people. I don't know, maybe that's just my issue.

What I know is that I am feeling a little more vulnerable lately than usual and I'm not enjoying this.

I feel like things I believed were either not true, or not totally true. People all have 'tells' and when you learn what someone's is, it is painful to watch or listen to them hedge on things.

There is vulnerability in trusting. You are allowing another person to help shape the course of your life.

I knew I trusted 'The One' the moment I met him. To be honest, the only other person I knew this about instantly on my old site was Red. Just from the second we spoke I knew that her intentions were to have the best interests of others in her heart. Usually, it takes me a while to warm up to other people on a more intimate level. I sort of hold back while we get to know each other. Maybe it's because Red is from Atlanta? Who knows.

I trust my daughter and my best friend, R. They both know me better than I know myself sometimes and they are brutally honest at all times just because they love me in a way that needs little except a return of love in kind.

But lately, as the walls I've put up around me have been tested, I am finding that my trust is fractured in places I didn't expect. It's probably not a good time for this on many levels. Or, really, is it ever a good time?

I've been clinging to things like friends, yoga and reading to get me through this time, which I know will end soon enough. The sun just came out here in New York, so I expect that as the life returns to my city, that the trust I've had shell-shocked will right itself. Or not.

All I ever know is that I miss what and who I miss and that's just the way life is sometimes.