Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Let This Be My Last Word, That I Trust In Your Love...

Rabindranath Tagore
...Scholar, Poet, Teacher

I just spent the day talking with two of my girlfriends about trust.

It started innocently enough. Two of us watch Mob Wives and we were having a discussion about friendships. That sort of transitioned into how women treat each other.

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I put my female friendships above other things. Yes, I can get mad at my girlfriends, but there are some women who will always be 'in' because I trust them to always be as honest with me as possible.

Maybe that is an odd way to phrase it, but I am sure that people have different levels of friendships or different things you expect out of people. I don't know, maybe that's just my issue.

What I know is that I am feeling a little more vulnerable lately than usual and I'm not enjoying this.

I feel like things I believed were either not true, or not totally true. People all have 'tells' and when you learn what someone's is, it is painful to watch or listen to them hedge on things.

There is vulnerability in trusting. You are allowing another person to help shape the course of your life.

I knew I trusted 'The One' the moment I met him. To be honest, the only other person I knew this about instantly on my old site was Red. Just from the second we spoke I knew that her intentions were to have the best interests of others in her heart. Usually, it takes me a while to warm up to other people on a more intimate level. I sort of hold back while we get to know each other. Maybe it's because Red is from Atlanta? Who knows.

I trust my daughter and my best friend, R. They both know me better than I know myself sometimes and they are brutally honest at all times just because they love me in a way that needs little except a return of love in kind.

But lately, as the walls I've put up around me have been tested, I am finding that my trust is fractured in places I didn't expect. It's probably not a good time for this on many levels. Or, really, is it ever a good time?

I've been clinging to things like friends, yoga and reading to get me through this time, which I know will end soon enough. The sun just came out here in New York, so I expect that as the life returns to my city, that the trust I've had shell-shocked will right itself. Or not.

All I ever know is that I miss what and who I miss and that's just the way life is sometimes.


la nom said...

It's funny how I rarely log into this site (because I forget), and then when I remember - you're struggling with so many of the same things as me, and putting voice to it so eloquently.

I have difficulty with trust exactly because it makes me vulnerable, and so often keep people at a very superficial level. It's always a bit shocking to me when I realize someone's made their way inside the gates to my heart, and I trust them.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

I used to have more issues with trust than I do now. I realized for myself that "tells" that were there that I had always recognized in people I had chosen to ignore and slough them off as differences between people. I came to the realization that I gave people more credit in key areas when it came to trust and that was my fault for doing so.

Eventually even if we enjoy the time together that we spend together if there are sure signs of things that will become a roadblock in relationships with others I stop treating them like small issues and realize that it's gonna waste alot of time and I'll have to start all over again so I stopped ignoring key "tells" in most areas. We don't all have to be liked or understood by anybody nor do we have to like or understand everybody else..but the pain that comes when we ignore key tells about those around us has as much to do with the things we ignore than who the other person actually is.
I also for myself stopped being a moron and thinking because I'd been through so much and had built my own strength that I could handle minor breaches of trust from others who may have their own things they're working through.I thought my support and strength for them would act as a shield if they and the things I saw as tells turned on me but I realized that there was a combination of vanity and naivety on my part. Just cuz you can take a punch doesn't mean you should have to when you can see it coming from a long ways away, it's smarter to get the hell out of the way and not have to bother at all.