Sunday, August 7, 2011

Here I Am, On A Cloud...

As I drift through the sky
Shooting cupid's arrow you just might try
So don't miss baby, take your time
.....Erykah Badu, 4 Leaf Clover

I went out to find the ever elusive 'North County Trail' today and found success!

I found the 1 mile mark on the south end of the trail and unpacked my bike for a ride. I got a few miles in before I hit some flooding so I took that as a sign that it was time to go home.

Or at least to the book store.

It's funny: When I ride my bike I prefer to have nothing going on around me but the sound of my breathing, birds and the cadence of my spokes turning. It's so very unlike when I go for a run. Maybe because I often want to pretend I'm not running, or running somewhere else, I find that it's better to have music playing, or at least a song in my head.

Lately, it's been 'Jesus of Suburbia' for some reason.

But the other day it was 'our song'.

I remember the day I was walking to work while on the phone with 'The One'. Erykah Badu had just finished playing on my iPod and it hit me that I was in love. That's probably the first time that I said 'I love you' even though I knew how he had felt for weeks, or maybe months.

Even now, I love him.

Yesterday I realized how angry I am at him. Because he thought I was hiding something, he set out to find someone else, then spent a year hiding it.

Yes...the man I call 'The One' had a girlfriend for a year, while saying to me that I didn't love him enough. While arguing with me that we needed time apart. While telling me we were meant to be together. Forever.

Sometimes I don't really know what I think about this. I have been married twice and both husbands found other loves while with me. Perhaps that is my role in life: To help people find what they need.

I thought I was over the affairs of my exes, but while I was supposed to be focused on my training, it hit me for a moment that all the while I had a feeling that something was off last year, I didn't think it was another woman. I thought it was me.

Now I know it was us. That's not any easier in many ways, but it is more balanced.

I've had a lot of dating, romance and love in my life, but as I was trying to remember which way to head downhill on my bike today, I got a little hit of fear in my head about what's next.

My girlfriends here want to set me up, but I'm not interested.

Even people that I like say that I don't seem to be all that into them and maybe it's true or maybe I'm much more cautious about relationships without even realizing it.

Sort of like riding downhill. I keep the breaks at the ready, just in case. I spend probably way too much time scanning between my front tire and the road ahead, waiting for something to happen: A rock, a bad road, a chipmunk or even another cyclist. With all this preparation, I'm still not enjoying the ride downhill, which sucks because I worked so hard to ride uphill and reach the crest.

I hear that to be a better cyclist takes practice...a lot like being a better partner in a relationship.

I'm starting to forget where Tri training starts and relationship building starts.