Deep down inside, I am aware that I can only say so much there. That is why this will remain my 'home'. It's safe. I can say what I need to. I can finally start this story. I can move on and move forward and do all those clichéd things people do when they want to grow. Maybe they aren't so clichéd.
Maybe today is not the right day to start. I outed a bully and she replied with a threat. That doesn't upset me.
I met with resistance from someone I thought would do something important. That can't upset me.
My heart is broken. It has been for a while. That worries me.
I have tried to say it is healed. It is not. I have tried to say it is okay. It is not. I have tried to say I am fine. Right.
Am I having fun? Yes. I am doing and going and being.
That has to be enough, yes? And yet it isn't. My heart is broken. After a full year I know that as much as I smile and as happy as I am and as much as I am attempting to be good with the universe, I am still not sure how someone deals with a broken heart. I'm not good at it. Is anyone? No, only people who distance themselves from others could possible be good at this kind of thing.
I am not sure when it is supposed to heal. I would say 'don't tell anyone I said this', but I just blogged about it. That's the first step to fixing something, right? Admitting there is a problem.
Well, I have a problem. My heart is broken and I'm a little tired of it.
My heart is not broken for a person, it is broken because an ideal is gone. An opportunity. A thing bigger than him, me, us.
My heart is broken because I am too busy trying to say all is well to deal with why I am still sad. Why disappointment still hurts. Why a decision made in anger changed everything I felt about someone and how he felt about me.