Thursday, March 31, 2011

And I Can't Spend My Whole Life Hiding My Heart Away...

So I made a decision today. No, it wasn't today, it was over the weekend, to post on my other site for a while. To test out the waters and to see if fun there is possible.

Deep down inside, I am aware that I can only say so much there. That is why this will remain my 'home'. It's safe. I can say what I need to. I can finally start this story. I can move on and move forward and do all those clichéd things people do when they want to grow. Maybe they aren't so clichéd.

Maybe today is not the right day to start. I outed a bully and she replied with a threat. That doesn't upset me.

I met with resistance from someone I thought would do something important. That can't upset me.

My heart is broken. It has been for a while. That worries me.

I have tried to say it is healed. It is not. I have tried to say it is okay. It is not. I have tried to say I am fine. Right.

Am I having fun? Yes. I am doing and going and being.

That has to be enough, yes? And yet it isn't. My heart is broken. After a full year I know that as much as I smile and as happy as I am and as much as I am attempting to be good with the universe, I am still not sure how someone deals with a broken heart. I'm not good at it. Is anyone? No, only people who distance themselves from others could possible be good at this kind of thing.

I am not sure when it is supposed to heal. I would say 'don't tell anyone I said this', but I just blogged about it. That's the first step to fixing something, right? Admitting there is a problem.

Well, I have a problem. My heart is broken and I'm a little tired of it.

My heart is not broken for a person, it is broken because an ideal is gone. An opportunity. A thing bigger than him, me, us.

My heart is broken because I am too busy trying to say all is well to deal with why I am still sad. Why disappointment still hurts. Why a decision made in anger changed everything I felt about someone and how he felt about me.


Smartgirl said...

Finally, the truth.

It's fitting that I'll be the first commenter on this post. This has been a long year for you... for all of us. We've had some incredible highs and lows. I like that it's still just you, me and Red. I don't like that you're still hurting. I don't like that you're still masking your feelings. Time for the vagueness to stop and pretending that everything is ok. We've got you covered.

Chris said...

It's called a hangover. You purged alot of shit in a few days. Give it a week and hopefully the snows gone. First sunny day and a walk in the park you'll be fine.

Christy said...

I know how you feel. Saying I am sorry just isn't enough. But it is a start. When you let go doesn't it feel a little bit better ? Maybe now, the healing can begin.

Atlanta_Red said...

I love your new home. Besides, you have killer lamps!

As for the rest, Smarty just made me cry. It really is just the 3 of us, isn't it? Wow! Can you believe it? How the hell did that happen? But she's right! We've got you covered. Your happiness is such a HUGE part of who we are!!!

Cliff LJ said...

Let a new sun rise over your troubles. Each day that passes, those troubles become much more distant. There will be new troubles, different troubles, but don't fret. Your heart deserves to live without fear, anger, and regret. Just put it out there, and the people who take care of it will fill up your life and restore you.

In your honor I'm listening to one of my favorite songs by Suzanne Vega, "Last Year's Troubles." Look it up on YouTube or find the lyrics online.

Kristi said...

Funny (funny-interesting, not funny-haha), my sister and I were just having this conversation today. She is trying to find her way after ending a 15 year abusive relationship to an emotional vampire. At one point in the past coupld of weeks, she has realized, she isn't fine. My theory is that being strong women, we go and do and be, to try to keep ourselves normal. Even when we are hurt, broken, disappointed and grieving. The poison has to be drained eventually though or it will always be there, underneath the scars.

This is your story, this is your song. Tell it. Then you will be able to do all of the cliched stuff for real.

iamkionda said...

Keep writing and keep your girls close. Both are the perfect therapy for situations such as these. Things will start to look brighter as the days go on.

Here is your prescription which needs to be filled immediately:
Write two posts and call/text/email/BBM your girls every morning/afternoon/night. :D

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Smarty: Man, I wish you hadn't been first. You know yesterday was not good. Not at all. I blamed Mars, but that's not fair.

But yes, it is time. I think I'm a little scared. Then what? I think I'm also worried that there is no 'one' for all of us. And that just scares me.

@Chris: A hangover?! Usually mine come from bourbon. But not lately because I really don't drink all that much. On Fridays. :)

@Christy: Healing will be nice. But rocky. I know. Good thing I've got all of you. I won't be a burden.

@Atlanta: It is the 3 of us. Sometimes we don't agree on every action, but we love each other enough to trust each other and that counts for everything.

I don't know what I'm going to do. That is hard for me to admit. And I fell silly because the world has bigger issues than me and my heartbreak. And I know it.

@Cliff: Thank you! I did look it up. I don't know why I had never heard it before. But I like it. A lot.

@Kristi: You hit it out of the park! When you are used to just going, there is no time for a cry, Even in therapy, I find that it is sometimes hard to express everything in just 45 minutes. :) Plus, it is a daily thing to have something new come up that seems more pressing.

But I also think I'll take the 'strong woman' label because at least I know I can take care of me when needed. Now the trick will be to do it in the moment.

@Kionda: First, your RX is perfect. And now I have to say, add one new Adele CD to the mix and I'll be cool.

smarty said...

You said,
"The world has bigger issues than me and my heartbreak."

Yeah, that's what I tried to tell myself too. Nevertheless I think we all have to do the emotional "work" of getting over a heartbreak. Even though it might feel too self-indulgent, or whatever - I say just let it out there and accept it for what it is, don't try to sweep it under the rug because "I should be over this by now".
There isn't any set time table for grief. You'll know when you're ready to move on.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Liz: See, this is why I like writing. Someone comes along and makes more sense than I can, at least by myself.

Do you know that I will stop anything for my friends and A? Anything. In my heart I know I'll get the same in return. But on some level, I worry that I'm only as strong as I remind myself to be. I worry that one day, I'll hit the one thing I can't recover from on some level so I'm all:

Yeah, I'm fine. Smarty says I gotta stop doing that. ;)