Sunday, March 27, 2011

Screaming Fire In A Crowded Room...

Then Whispering It's All Really Okay...

A Public Service Announcement.

An accusation of assault is one we should all take very seriously.

Especially since have all been reminded of how we should build 'community' around here...we must stand together, right? Voice our opinions. Tell someone when they have wronged us. If we are told that words hurt, then surely physical acts of violence require even more outrage. Honest outrage. Protection for those who can not protect themselves.

It is the type of accusation that I believe requires all of our attention. Immediately. No one has a right to physically intimate, assault or restrain someone against their will. Period.

I have been a member of a specific 'online community' for five years. I have seen many things go on and I almost always stay out of everyone's way. There is never a time for me to blindly follow a story line. I know the tales people weave to create their images. In real life this sucks. Online it is magnified.

But there are some stories that require a voice to say: No, that is not true.

Friday night was my reminder of that.

While I was speaking to someone who believes that I should have stood up for them against someone's else's words, and while I was accused of being a bad friend by their husband.

I admit it: I lost it.

For 7 months, I have silently watched while fireworks went off around there. Perhaps I should have said something. I don't know. I assumed it would all blow over. But it hasn't.

How do I know? Because this woman voiced something that she and I both know is not true. But this time, she said it directly to me.

She accused someone of assaulting her. Making her fearful. Restraining her. And then she said: They were drunk.

All four statements are not true. I know, because I was there for most of the night that this happened, and two other bloggers caught the 'action' I missed. These two other bloggers were used as a defense again on Friday and yet we all know it isn't true. They never said what she keeps implying.

In fact, I saw all of the parties involved the very next night and saw the post party pics. The accused and the accuser: Smiling. Together.

The post event texts and calls that went on for months after the 'act of violence'. The erotic pictures. Everything.

I saw it all. And I sat back and said: Fuck this. If no one else will say anything, I will go to Paris, I will plan our group's Vegas trip and then I am done talking about this here or there or anywhere. Perhaps I am the only one worrying about this fact vs. fiction and I must stop.

And then on Friday, while I was being accused of being a 'bad friend' to someone I had to remind has no friendship with me outside of the internet, I heard it:

The attack on another blogger.

I'm tired of it. If you're willing to throw this person under the bus. The person you dedicated numerous blog posts to; the person you know you were more than just 'blog friends' with, the person you actively sought out on many occasions, what will you say about your other friends? What are you saying? How often have you repeated this story that you have said, in writing, was an exageration?

The truth is I do not want to find out.

Ever.

I want this to end. Why? Because it is wrong.

Do you all hear what I am saying? It is wrong to accuse anyone of anything that is not true.

And if you find yourself on the receiving end of accusations and you know you can prove them to be lies, I want you to ask yourselves if we, as a community, have a right to know when one of our own is not honest about things that are relevant to our safety.

Yes, that goes for anyone here who has ever been accused of anything they know is not true: How did this make you feel? Better yet, how does it make you feel now. Time passes, but a betrayal feels the same, right? It never goes away. You look at someone and know they will lie, sometimes to your face, just to keep their standing.

You want to know why I didn't say anything before today? Because I was asked to sit silently even when I knew better.

Perhaps that is the real reason why I shut down my blog there and have been writing elsewhere. I was tired of being told what I could write. What our 'community' wanted to hear.

That's my mistake. I forgot that we all have a voice.

I forgot that when you know someone puts their own place on a virtual perch higher than the safety and integrity of their 'friendships' than everyone loses.

It is wrong to scare people with words. It is wrong to make accusations you know are false.

(originally posted on alternate blog site: 3.27.11)

20 comments:

Lisa said...

I had written out a long comment concerning this, but then my sign in decided to screw me and erase it.

Long story short, this person deserves everything they have coming to them. What they have done is beyond wrong. It's highly messed up, sad, and pathetic. NO ONE is a victim as much as they have claimed. When someone always cries wolf, eventually, people begin to see that the source is the one who constantly perpetuates the lies they engage themselves in. When someone tells a lie enough times, they themselves start to believe it to be true. That admitting the actual truth will make them look like a shitty person, thus will continue to spout off ridiculous lies in order to keep themselves from looking like a pathological liar that they truly are.

No one should be forced to stay silent. No one should be made to feel like the bad guy for wanting to say the truth. And telling lies about anyone is wrong. Pure and simple. One lie leads to many others until a whole web is spun that no one can get out of.

Artemis J said...

First off, I do not consider someone like that "one of my own".

and now, I stick my nose in where it probably does not belong. It isn't really my battle, but it really pisses me off.

I also find it interesting that when someone else made a similar accusation, she was indeed vilified. In fact, I believe that there were posts made with her in mind by people that are supporters of who I believe is the individual you are referring to in this post.

Ugh. I want nothing to do with revolting people like this.

I for one am glad you are here. I hope you stay here as well. I want to put all of that behind me, but it rears it's ugly manipulative head everywhere.

maxibadbitch said...

Wow, Days of our Screwed Up Lives continues.

All I can say is..you can only cry wolf for so long before people finally turn their backs on you and you end up having your flock slaughtered.

Sad thing is...with the internet, you can continue crying wolf under a different profile to get people to believe you, yet again.

Being as brazen as I am, I'm going to ask since I'm not on the site anymore...this isn't the blue dress again is it? Cause if it is her, she's done it every year in some manner.

BubblevishiousDeux said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

You know what I like about this post ?? It would have been just fine there too :-D.
So essentially what you're saying at any point in time any interaction with this person could be open to being twisted into some sick other thing if the truth threatened to out her lies ?? So if you hugged her...6 months later if you knew all her dirty little secret that encounter was actually a physical assault ??
Doesn't sound simply like crying wolf sounds like psychosis in my book !!! lmao

kels said...

First, I didn't realize so many of you had all migrated over here, to blogger. That makes me happy because I missed everyone's blogs.

Second - it makes me angry when people use sexual assault accusations as a way of revenge. Some of the places I hang out now, so many of the men are rape apologists because of this, activists because one woman lied and now they accuse the majority of women of lying.

I'm glad you spoke up and said something.

raw form said...

I don't know who you speak of because I have not been on there for a long time and I see I am not missing much. I guess misery loves company. when people have no lives they can go online and create one it's all rather sad. Forget them peeps they have no bearing on your life. People tend to lose reality over there and that can be really hurtful to those of us who know the difference.

V.V. said...

As much as I love to live in my little bubble and wear my earmuffs it's getting more and more difficult for me to do this.


The "other" place should be a fun place to go. It's unfortunately becoming less so. People that I interact (ed) with regularly are slowly leaving.

To quote a friend of mine who blogged at the other place:

"Most people here aren't my friends. They wouldn't give me the time of day in the real world"

I will continue to do my best to remain uninvolved. Maybe I'm naive in doing so, but things like that are not worthy of my time, energy and attention.

smarty said...

Hmmm interesting. Makes me even more glad that I've stayed out of all this.

(nice to find you here - I seem to have trouble stopping by this site with any regularity, but hope to check in now and then)

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Lisa: I am sorry the site ate your first comment, not that this one isn't awesome. Let me ask this and it is totally rhetorical: How many people need to see something wrong before one person speaks up? You know what we learn: Lots of people 'feel' things sometimes. We just don't always act on them. The truth is easy. I say it all the time. I fucked up.

No one has killed me yet.

I also don't have to remember a lie. The funniest part of my Friday was a liar, lying to me and calling me a liar because I didn't tell her the 'real' reason I didn't attend something with her.

@Arty: No, this is not my 'own' either. I said it once before: If 'we' do this, we validate bad behavior. Now, the beauty of my friendship with you is that you know I heart everything about you. You're as loyal as I am. The worst that can happen is someone will say something bad about me. I've learned that while it will piss me off...I have nothing to lose their. Anyone who does needs to really thing why they put so much effort into being seen as perfect. None of us are perfect.

@Maxi: LOL! Coin that soap name! Quick! No, nothing changes. But I think it is mainly because a lot of the same people stay around waiting for 'newbies' to attach themselves and their stories to. Eww. That was poor grammar on my part!

I will say this: It is not the Blue Dress. Cross my heart and hope to blog for never. ;)

@Chris: Yes. Short answer. I heard what she has said about another very good friend of mine there. Not nice. But when called out on it she was 'misheard'. Except that it was on yahoo.

@Kels: YAY! You are here, too! Now I can follow up happily again! For your second point: I agree. First, it is wrong. But more to the point, it is dangerous. Someone asked me why I said anything: The person knew that I was clear: Stop spreading this falsehood. It is reckless. End of story.

@Raw: I am sorry I said I missed you and you tried to blog there again. :( Anyone who leaves for happiness is right to stay away. There is too much sadness there. I'm happy to read you wherever you are.

@VV: Ear muffs! I love Vince Vaughn. You can stay in a bubble there for a time, and it is great. Then, if you begin to interact with too many people, you will see the forest has been cleared by bulldozers. I don't like it. At all.

Your friend is right. I said it more bluntly: These bitches are not my friends. :(

@Smarty: Can I hang with you whenever you are here? It would make me happy!

Christy G said...

I am truly sorry we can not all blog together in fun with our friends over in the other place. At one point it was so much fun ... and now not so much anymore.

I will read every word here as I read every word there !

But we always have Paris, right ?

gr8ful_deadbeat said...

Once again, I have no clue who we're talking about, nor do I give a rat's ass! I left that site, so to speak... for other reasons, but still, I don't miss it one bit when it comes to BS like this!

Good grief...

*Sigh*

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@ChristyG: I just had conversation with someone from from there. They told me they didn't know all the history: Wrong. They lie. They know it all. They always have. They fence sit. This is why I always tell new bloggers to stay away from picking a side. You will get burned.

Why are Red and Smarty my friends? Because we have been to each others' homes and spent time with each others' families. We talk, daily. About what? God knows. But I know these women and they know me. They have heard me laugh and cry and rage. And I have done the same for them.

I refuse to get involved in picking anyone else's side unless I know them, intimately.

But I will also not let lies continue when I know them to be untrue. Maybe I am a bit of a zealot. I don't know. But it's how I have always been. I don't say much. But when I do, I stick to it.

@Pete...I am just happy to follow you and your pictures. I wish I had an eye for nature the way you do. And I haven't forgotten your Penn State shirt!

Cliff LJ said...

I feel so sheltered; I have such good experiences in the blogosphere, people have been really kind to me, yourself included. I'm so grateful to have avoided any drama!

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Cliff: You are lucky! I am goin gto go back to being lucky. I'm going to write what I want here, and maybe not as much as I want there and see if that works. :)

Riff Dog said...

This mystery is driving me crazy! After reading several of your posts, as well as Smarty's, I'm trying to figure out if I know what the heck this "other site" is. Care to enlighten a poor frustrated dog? My email address is on my profile if you're not comfortable naming the site here. Thanks!

I'm sorry things went so badly, by the way. I saw something similar happen at another site (details are very different, but the fallout was just as bad,) and it really was too bad. But there are indeed certain people out there . . .

Smartgirl said...

OK, I'm officially jealous of you for all time. You got a comment from the illustrious Riff Dog. He's my hero!

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Riff: I am totally not embarrased: It's AFF (adultfriendfinder)

I am loving working backwards through your blog. I promise not to only write about the mean people there - there are/were also some truly amazing people I've become offline friends with, too. It's just that mean people seem to have the biggest mouths.

Wait, I meant to promise not to bore you. :)

@Smarty: Hey! I just followed who you were reading like I always do. You know me...no original thought. :)

Riff Dog said...

I didn't realize AFF had blogs, although I do remember someone claiming on their blog a year or two ago that someone was plagiarizing their stuff there, so I guess i should have figured it out. Thanks for the info. Some day I'll have to check out the goings-on there.

Smarty, you need better taste in heroes. ;-) If it's any consolation, I was going to ask this same question on *your* blog a week or two ago, but I thought I was going to be able to figure out the mystery unaided.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Riff: Just had to say: I tell Smarty she needs better idols all of the time.

She just doesn't listen to me. Maybe she'll listen to you.