.....'How can you mend a broken heart', Al Green
Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I think back to February of last year.
Waiting in an airport in Houston, and then finally landing in Austin...
Realizing 'The One' wasn't going to be there to meet me and walking through the airport trying not to make eye contact with anyone.
I could feel the tears streaming down my face so I wrapped my scarf up just a little higher.
When I checked into my hotel I was grateful that they had given me a room facing away from the sun. As soon as I closed the door I climbed into bed and stayed there for two days. While my girlfriends called and begged me to eat, I stayed under the covers and tried not to exist.
I cried because I played my own starring role in damaging our relationship and then I cried because I had never felt so alone, then I cried some more because the answer to what felt like all of the world's ills lay in one direction and I couldn't figure out how to get there.
On day three I went outside and looked around at a city that is both beautiful, and on many levels, will always terrify me.
I have been through heartache before, but in Austin, I learned what it feels like to fall from the greatest height, with no net.
And, still, a year has gone by and you still won't find me saying bad things about 'The One'. I take the responsibility of not paying attention to where our relationship was going, or maybe it is more that I did not fully understand how we got to where we were.
The ending is the same. The feelings are the same. The emotions just as relevant today as they were 14 months ago.
The difference is that I am trying something I have never done before: learning to embrace the parts of life that make me happy and being ok with believing there is something just for me, whatever it is. Is it moving on? No. Yes. I don't know. We haven't spoken since Christmas. I am trying to get this all right. To do what is needed amd expected.
Of course, in no way do I get this right all the time, but just having the ability to discuss so many feelings has been eye opening. Or is is it heart opening?
Either way, insomnia makes it worse in so many ways. Relationship hindsight is the universe's big joke on all of us.