Saturday, May 7, 2011

I Could Never See Tomorrow...

But I was never told about the sorrow.
.....'How can you mend a broken heart', Al Green

Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I think back to February of last year.

Waiting in an airport in Houston, and then finally landing in Austin...

Realizing 'The One' wasn't going to be there to meet me and walking through the airport trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

I could feel the tears streaming down my face so I wrapped my scarf up just a little higher.

When I checked into my hotel I was grateful that they had given me a room facing away from the sun. As soon as I closed the door I climbed into bed and stayed there for two days. While my girlfriends called and begged me to eat, I stayed under the covers and tried not to exist.

I cried because I played my own starring role in damaging our relationship and then I cried because I had never felt so alone, then I cried some more because the answer to what felt like all of the world's ills lay in one direction and I couldn't figure out how to get there.

On day three I went outside and looked around at a city that is both beautiful, and on many levels, will always terrify me.

I have been through heartache before, but in Austin, I learned what it feels like to fall from the greatest height, with no net.

And, still, a year has gone by and you still won't find me saying bad things about 'The One'. I take the responsibility of not paying attention to where our relationship was going, or maybe it is more that I did not fully understand how we got to where we were.

The ending is the same. The feelings are the same. The emotions just as relevant today as they were 14 months ago.

The difference is that I am trying something I have never done before: learning to embrace the parts of life that make me happy and being ok with believing there is something just for me, whatever it is. Is it moving on? No. Yes. I don't know. We haven't spoken since Christmas. I am trying to get this all right. To do what is needed amd expected.

Of course, in no way do I get this right all the time, but just having the ability to discuss so many feelings has been eye opening. Or is is it heart opening?

Either way, insomnia makes it worse in so many ways. Relationship hindsight is the universe's big joke on all of us.

6 comments:

Chris said...

The last lines the best one of all lol

What if you treat it as backreading and research for the future ?? ;-)

Traveljunkie said...

All we can ever do is take what we learn and use it to improve ourselves and enrich our future relationships.

diggydug said...

All I can say is you make me feel so fortunate to have someone in my corner. Yes, we drive each other nuts but we always work through our shit. I hope that you can one day find that person to do this with too, because there aint nothing like having someone on your side.

Dreamer said...

"I can think of younger days...."

I am so sad to see you going through this, especially after it seemed like you had begun to feel more serene about it all. It is such a horrible feeling, and as you know it took me a long time to learn how to deal with it. (That's if I ever have....)

But it is so easy to feel that if only you had "someone in your corner" as diggydug says, then life would be okay. You know it doesn't always work like that, and you are wise to be trying to make something of life just for yourself for a while.

It helps make you into the person you want to be, which is actually who you want someone to fall in love with in the end.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Chris: No kidding! I wish I could time-warp and go back and be like: Don't do this or DO do this one thing!

@TJ: Yay! I like seeing you here. Come visit whenever. I'm trying to be 'that' person who never makes the current pay for the mistakes I've made in the past. I don't always get it right, but I always at least make the attempt.

@Diggy: You know, I know you realize how lucky you are to have love and to be able to give it. It means a lot when it comes to getting through life. I know that one day I'll find 'mine' and we'll both be ready. Until then, I'll just keep being the best 'bubbles' I can be, I guess. :)

@Dreamer: I've only ever had that 'someone' for a short time, or shorter than I'd like. I've always thought that A needed to see that I could take care of us without missing a beat. I hope I've done the right thing with this but it feels like I have.

Linda said...

That is so true about relationship hindsight. I'm sorry you've been through so much Dee. I don't know any of it but what you write here but I can feel your pain through the writing. Sending good thoughts that you find peace.