Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"These Bitches Are Not My Friends"...

Odd title for a posting on "International Women's Day", right?

Well, not really.

Last night someone asked me to be really, really honest about why I am a sex-site drop out (note to self: title of next post is in the bag).

I hedged. I hemmed. I deflected. I lied.

Then I said:

Those people were not my friends.

Let me clarify:

Many were. No, many are. They are my friends. My family. The people I talk to daily if not weekly.

I love them all, which means I love many of you because many of you now watching came from 'there'.

You are a witty, intelligent bunch and I have learned so much from you. Thanks.

But you know me too well.

The truth is that I should have left that site when I fell in love with Chato. I didn't. Did that play a role in our 'where we are now' story? No, it did not.

I stayed because I had so much I thought I needed to say. In all honesty, I'm often so vague that most people probably didn't even know what I was talking about half the time.

But life was good. My blog supplemented me in many ways. Between love, work and regular old life, I was happy. Fulfilled.

Then Chato and I had the 'great Austin trip of 2010' and I was thrown for a loop. I had no fucking idea what to do next. I cried. I didn't eat. I doubted myself. What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't even know. I just knew that I wanted to write through it.

I tried my hand at dating and came away thinking perhaps I sort of suck at it on some level. But no worries, I still blogged through it. I just didn't name names. Maybe the truth was that I wasn't ready. My heart couldn't be in it. How could it, you know?

And then all hell broke out.

Everywhere I went, people told ME who I was seeing. How did they know? I'll tell you. One person. One person kept telling people everything I was up to, based on what she 'thought' was going on. It's like having a stalker, but better. Was she sharing the news because she cared about me? Nah, lol. If you ask her on a good day she will tell you she can't stand me.

Now, a stalker has no idea what you're really doing. A 'better than' thinks she's got you one-upped.

Cue the eye rolls.

One day, right after Paris, I called my friend and said: Enough. No Mas. I don't want to do this anymore. This blogging thing. I will go to Vegas. Then I never want to see most of those people again. Why? They are not our friends. Or science projects. They don't care if I am happy or sad. Working or not. Keeping to my training schedule or sitting on my couch. They care about silly things like 'top blogger' and who is sleeping with who this week.

They just don't care about anything but themselves. I don't think those things are important.

And then I felt great. Like the sun was all happy to see me again. And I told Red and Smarty and a few others and then I came here. And I designed my space and I sent out notes saying: Come join me if you wanna.

And then I said: I will no longer write things that sound vague. I will write what I want to because I deserve this after years of holding onto feelings because everyone else might be hurt or upset or not understand.

Yeah, that's right. I deserve this freedom to hang out with my friends (you) and say what I feel.

How else can I write about this 'awesome' search? Huh? How? that's right. I can't.

I don't even know if it has been, or will be, awesome. Hell, I don't even think there is a search going on. If there is, it's for what to wear to Yoga tonight.

But either way. I like my new home. Stick around while I decorate, ok?

19 comments:

BenSmarty said...

I don't know. I kind of liked the scientific experiment part of it. Made me use my brain. And I think that new lamp would look really good on your nightstand ;)

iamkionda said...

Not a search. A journey. It's always a journey...and a fun one if you allow it to be. An educational experience. An enlightened tour if you will. It does feel good to write doesn't it? :D

Free said...

Ok, I'll hang out for a while. You seem to have some nice friends here. I brought case of Coke, it just came in from Juarez.

Rob Strickland said...

You know, those bitches are not my friends either. At least when you're a guy, you sometimes get a pass on having to act like you're friends...and if I don't, I make my own! haha

From now on I will write some vague crap about myself sometimes, just so I can hear all about me from somebody I don't know.

Garage Wench said...
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Vixn Vella said...
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Christy said...

It kind of depends on what following you get. There is no less drama here. I've been part of two communities on blogger. People who have the same interests tend to find each other. One was very supportive and wonderful, but the other was less so. People are people whether on a sex site or Blogger. I do so hope for you that if random people stumble across this site, which they are bound to do, that they'll be good and gentle folk. Because you deserve nothing less!

V.V. said...

How refreshing for you to have left a "non-judgmental/transparent" site that you blogged on to REAL non-judgmental/transparent place!

Glad you're still writing and I'm glad I got to know you before you jumped ship!!!

xo

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Smarty: I know. I guess I just hated the science part of high school and I don't have as much patience as my face makes people think I do. :)

I love new lamps. I guess it's time I started really looking at which one matches my wallpaper.

@Kionda: A journey. I like it. And yes, it does feel good. Well, maybe not so good this morning, but it was for the greater good.

@Free: Yay! Coke from Juarez. You know that's my fave. Smarty likes it, too.

@Rob: I will spread whatever rumors you want me to. :) And yes, guys DO get a pass on the fake-friendships crap. Lucky dudes.

@Christy: You are so right! I always tell Red that 'these people' are not just online. They are our neighbors and dentists and teachers. Crazy is just crazy. :)

@VV: Welcome, beautiful! This should be both fun and interesting. Oh, and scary! Better not forget scary.

Atlanta_Red said...

This will be a much better home for all of us I think. I am not into scientific experiments or the like. I just want to write about what I want to right about. And I sure as hell don't give a damn who is top blogger. Life is too damn short to worry about petty bullshit like that.

Decorate away. I'm like the look of your new place!

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Red: I like this blue background. It seems pretty nice, but not too busy.

I think I may even keep it for a while.

Kidfos said...

Enlightening. Hope you find what you are looking for here.

:D

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Kid: It's only going to be fun if you remember to flirt shamelessly with me every now and then!

And don't be enlightened. That is too much pressure on a girl. And not the kind she likes.

C said...

I just found you and I'm stickin arounnnnnn

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@C: Stick around, I bete we both learn something. I'm not sure what, but I bet it will be fun! And...nice to see you again! :)

DarwinsLemur said...

Love what you've done with the place, the wallpaper's divine.

I've been reading backwards through your posts and as often as not what you write brings to mind a lyric or poem. This particular post got me to thinking about T. S. Eliot, which made me spend the past 0.5 hour digging through some old books. What you said about a journey reminded me of this bit from The Four Quartets: East Coker

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

I am very much looking forward to this journey and have enjoyed the path explored so far.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Darwins: I am grateful, more than you know, that you are here to help me along through your reading.

Your jewel of a quote 'find' just made me cry more than Smarty made me cry by her comment on my new post.

Ugh! I don't like this. I don't like this one bit! I hate believing I had it all squared away, only to find that I am arriving where I started, and finding it for the first time.

But thank you. I needed my own kick to the bootie.

NOVA_Sue said...

where is that clapping smiley when you need it?????

Call me nieve.....but who is 'good' and who isn't- I cant tell over there. So I just try to be me.

but I gave up on finding love there, which is why I went there to begin with.

It's funny how things turn out. That place provided a happy distraction in a different way.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@NovaSue: You know, I've always felt that people are both good and bad 'there' and offline. It's about being more good, in my opinion. Or maybe about being as honest as possible at all times, even when you've made mistakes, you know?