Thursday, July 28, 2011

I Read The Graffiti In The Bathroom Stall...

Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much but it only confirmed
That the center of the earth is the end of the world
.....Green Day, Jesus of Suburbia

I woke up this morning to a text from a friend.

Did I know what so and so said.  No.  I did not.  And...do not tell me.

But, but, but...

I hear that the blame game is being played yet again, by people I don't like anyway.  So why listen?  I gave their issues an ear before.  Big mistake.

I get it...people lose their minds before big events. 

The truth?  Aside from pockets of wonderful, I do have to accept blame for some things that have happened over the past year or so. 

Like...not paying enough attention to where my relationship with 'The One' was going.  Or not realizing that my instinct was right. And not trying to act.  Maybe I couldn't have done anything, but I didn't try so now I will never know.

What I do know is that it is true, I was a hypocrite.  I didn't stand by him.  I chose to stay mad about our fight and while I can say people need to try harder, I was busy being angry and hurt.

For the chance to have one moment with him now to say...it doesn't matter, I will always have a place in my heart for you...

Yes, I am to blame because I didn't see the signs 6 months ago.  I just hoped things would work out.

What have these long months taught me?  

So much.

What would I do differently?  

I am not sure.  Fewer people would have gotten in, fewer distractions.  I am correcting this now. Slowly.

But do I accept blame for some of the relationship issues?  Yes.

And if I had that one moment, I would say 'I am sorry I didn't understand, fully.'

So, see, a person can accept blame when it is warranted...

Am I to blame for someone's actions?  No, only my own.

But can blame be assigned by people for any random reason? No.  

It still makes me wonder why people assume you live and breathe 'them'.

That has only ever held true for two people for me...

A and 'The One'.  Last year, I had to let them both go in different ways.

Honestly, that is all I ever wanted to worry about these past few months.

Sometimes, while I am out training, I think about how things have gone and how much more there still is to learn.

And I wonder how life goes by so fast.

Then I get distracted by things that don't matter.  Fortunately, there is always something in the distance to force focus.

Like now...a handful of people heard a story and ran with it?  That is why I am cautious about my circle.  I would rather decide how to train better, be a better employee, friend, mother, whatever...

Then get caught up with people I don't like or talk to anyway.

Funny how Tri life keeps one sane.  Bruises and all.

Maybe more people should try this.

7 comments:

Swimmyness said...

The blame game is definitely being played again.
I'm never in the middle of it, and can heave a huge sigh of relief for that. Reading about the aftermath of the woman in the blue dress being kicked off, even the events leading up to it, gave me a headache and a half.
Might stick closer to this blog for a bit until things wind down, or just continue working both blogs in my own little world of blogland. It's the best I can do.

pouncey said...

I'm a big beleiver in signs, however, stupidly, sometimes try to go past them, hoping the outcome may be different than what sense or see...sadly, that is not always the case..

Not going to admit how many brick walls have crashed into as a result, and that not fun..

Chris said...

I'm very careful about who I give direct contact info to..because of moments like you had lol I'm sorry to hear that and I hope at least you were awake :-/

We can all accept blame for our own actions but ANYBODY who says the decisions they make after the fact are because of "the other person" badly needs to grow up.

Just as you said we're responsible for our own actions and people who think that others live and breathe them are self-absorbed and kidding themselves..all relationships that are healthy are equal, considerate and done with respect.

Tri life sounds like it soooo good for you and Zoe won't text you something stupid :-D Sounds like you're running, walking and swimming to a much better life for yourself and shedding lots of weight in the process ;-)

iamkionda said...

We are only responsible for our own everything...attitude, actions, feelings, etc. We cannot allow anyone to sway that. It gives them power. We don't want that. That power belongs to us and assists with our sanity. Outside influences be damned.

If outside influences just happen to play a part in any decisions one made, well then, it was still the decision made by this one. No one else is responsible for that decision. I don't see how anyone else could be responsible.

Glad your training is going well. I've cut down on my running. The heat has been psyching me out and plus I've moved so that is taking up a bunch of my resources. Soon...I'll get back on it! :)

Failed Promise said...

Hey, I'm just saying hello. I'm glad I took the time to track you down here. I love your blog and this layout is so much nicer than the other one! x. TT

Ceiladgh said...

I'm back for the 3rd time to read this ... getting more each time.

I made some lists of what I can and can't accept in others - and the continued badness there.

Hell - my muse dashed off to Euro Disney so reading isn't a bad thing...

I just like finding the sense that says things in ways I don't ..

Sati said...

If you're talking about That Other Site, then I don't know what's going on this time. It's funny, I've read dozens of posts in the last month mentioning that there's new drama. And not a single post that's actually said where or who or why. And I've looked. I always look, whether I really want to know or not, because I still have that stupid fear of things sneaking up on me. I'd much rather see any possible threats, and take the chance on overreacting to things that may or may not be dangerous, than NOT see them.

I am not capable of saying, I don't want to know. Well, except when it concerns family. And I really admire that you are.

I wish I could say that I don't care about it. That I have a life outside and what goes on online is not all that important to me. I do have a life, but everything always feels important - I still throw myself into things, heart and soul.

But this time, I don't see them. I see a lot of posts from people who say that they're obvious to anyone who's looking hard, but I still don't see. I guess I'm blind, either wilfully or accidentally. Or maybe it's all being done through emails and behind-the-backs whispers, with nothing in the open.

It's making me antsy. And I can't say to anyone, Tell me - because it's not my business. But when I'm on the site now, I have more and more Chicken Little moments, where I can sense a threat and feel a threat but not see it, and I hate that. So I find myself spending less and less time there. I upload blog posts, and then leave - I don't even read my watched list much anymore, and rarely answer comments. I'll probably stop posting there sooner or later. But I don't have a readership here yet, and I feel kind of adrift without having that friendly space of my own.

I think in some ways I preferred all the stuff last year - at least then I had my instincts to go on. Here I'm flying blind.