Monday, July 25, 2011

And I'm Not Sorry...It's Human Nature...

I'm not your bitch, don't lay your shit on me.

It is so funny that as children we played lots of 'Truth or Dare.'

I'd like to think that we would have been better served playing 'Truth and Consequences.'

My AFF experience has been interesting. Thankfully, I have a fast learning curve.

I have seen a lot of people hold other people's hands while they do things that should probably cause embarassment or at least a self-inflicted time out of sorts.

What are consequences? A few years ago, I fell in love with someone other than my husband. The consequences were that I was forced to tell A, my friends, family and some co-workers. The story is more than one person being lonely or sad or any one thing. My husband hated me. I am sure of this because he told me. It still does not mean my actions were right.

My affair meant that I opened myself up to consequences...ultimatums.

If I wanted to stay married, I would have needed to agree to counseling; to give up my best friend because he supported me; to cut off contact with 'The One' and to guve up a lot of friends, my writing and ultimately, my freedom. Why? Well, because I no longer deserved the freedom. As my then husband said...I had abused it.

Instead, I chose to leave the marriage. He didn't love me and while we were together, I did not love myself. The consequence of that decision? I had to be willing to stand on my own.

The result? A and I are happier than ever. But I still paid the price of my action. Even the people who supported me reminded me that I should have, could have, etc. And they were right. I didn't always want to hear it, but I still listened.

Why? Well, I don't want friends who only tell me I am great. I am not always. I make mistakes. I own them and learn from them.

On the Internet, we can create a godliness like no other place would allow.

Recently, I was reminded of how even when one person steps up and says: there are consequences for your actions...someone else will fill the ass kissing void.

How sad. I know what people say about others behind the scenes and then I see what they say in public. Coddling is a terrible thing.

But I should thank the coddlers because when it is noticed, I can usually fill the time that would have been spent with the coddler with other, less passive aggressively supportive activities.

All because I believe that bitching about this shit isn't enough. You have to be willing to say that actions have to have consequences, an apology only counts when it is from the heart and not covering repetitive bad behavior, and your own role in the repeat offenses needs to be reviewed and, if needed, corrected.

'The One' once wrote a blog about what was happening with my marriage. My husband wanted out, but he waited for me to act. Suicide by cop. How unfair to make someone else miserable because you are unhappy. It is even more awful to watch the train wreck and not at least dial 911.


BenSmarty said...

So this is one those posts where I can say "you suck" and "I love you" at the same time?

iamkionda said...

Name me one perfect person on the face of this earth and I will immediately call bullshit. We are all a hot, raggedy mess! We all make our own mistakes that can affect many. Some are in denial of this and/or play the blame game. Sad. Why not just learn from the mistake and apply it in a positive way to future endeavors? This is hard for many. Again, sad.

Some days I just do not understand.....

NOVA_Sue said...

At the risk of offending you, I say this shows your strength. Do you know how many people stay in an unhappy union because they are afraid of being alone?

Ceiladgh said...

Having lived with someone who had built a life using shatters of the people he abused, I can understand living in misery. And making a choice to different. I know I'm not perfect, in fact I have issues with people saying I'm good too often. I screw up far too often, and I have been fortunate that the ones who appreciate me and care tell me ..repeatedly when I won't hear it.
I still think some are stuck facing the choice of truth or dare - and always choose dare for truth to them is far scarier.
Sad that.
Coddling is only good when applied to infants and eggs. And I don't like eggs.

Artemis J said...

Yeah, coddlers suck. They enable ridiculous behavior. It's annoying as hell.

Standing on our own is a difficult thing for sure. You KNOW you did the right thing.

Sati said...

I dislike being coddled. Maybe because I've had too many people in my life who've tried to do it at intervals, when it's convenient for them. Maybe because I've had too many people who needed it from me. I don't know.

One thing I never understood is why so many people think that consequences and punishment are the same thing. I dunno, perhaps it's just part of that egocentricity that so many of us have. But with some of my friends (mercifully fewer these days than there used to be), at work, and Lord knows at home, on a regular basis I hear people who cry, "Why are you doing this to me?" To me. As though any repercussions from an action are intended to be the other person's, or the universe's, way of making you pay.

All action has a reaction; all cause has an effect. Maybe a barely-noticeable one, or maybe a honking great one that changes your life. Maybe a good one, maybe a bad one. Is it connected to whether your actions were smart or stupid, right or wrong? Not necessarily. Sometimes it is - maybe often it is - but other times, things just happen. Not everything that goes badly is a personal attack; not everything that turns out well is because you deserve it. Functional people understand that.

Unfortunately there are those who live their lives believing that it's all about them. Solipsism is alive and well.