Friday, March 4, 2011

And Then...A New Start.

I thought about posting this really great intro. Then I deleted it.

Then I posted a mediocre entry and yes, deleted it.

The truth is that I am not sure how to start this new blogging life so I am just going to dive in.

I'm clueless.

A good friend of mine recently said that I am "consistently inconsistent, securely insecure, and genuinely human". She's right.

The truth is that I'd love to be Wonder Woman. I'm not.

The truth is that I'd also love to be able to say that I am the only person who has ever had a love turn to something else. That I am the only person who can't get certain things right. The only person who sometimes wants everything to stop for a few minutes while I figure out what's happening.

The truth is that I'm not Atlas. I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders. I learned this in therapy.

No, I starting learning this when my daughter, who was five at the time, said: You don't have to be perfect.


She was right. But I still kept trying. Right through to a second marriage to someone I knew wasn't right. My heart told me that we were great as boyfriend and girlfriend but that marriage would change all of that. I was right. Unfortunately, 9/11 created a lot of marriages. Some great. Some not.

We made great roomies. I just felt we needed to be able to be more to each other.

Then...March 2008. My whole world changed. I tried to fight it but sometimes you really are at destiny's mercy.

Fast forward to today and I have learned something very valuable: You can never 'unlearn' things you wish you never knew.

You can't unlearn that you aren't loved. You can't unlearn that your passions lie in a different direction than someone you love. You can't unlearn that sometimes love just isn't going to answer all of your questions. Even if on many levels it puts your heart at ease. There are so many things that so many of us can't ever unlearn. I am sorry.

It isn't my fault, but I'm still sorry.

Where did I learn all of this? On an adult site. Why? That's where I was when my life changed.

To be honest, I am not singular. I know many people who can tell you the same story. Some of them are my friends. Some are not.

I don't have to worry about their stories here. I only have to, for the first time in years, worry about my own. It's spastic, honest, brutal and silly. But what it will try not to be...for vague.

And that may be the scariest part about this.