Friday, March 4, 2011

And Then...A New Start.

I thought about posting this really great intro. Then I deleted it.

Then I posted a mediocre entry and yes, deleted it.

The truth is that I am not sure how to start this new blogging life so I am just going to dive in.

I'm clueless.

A good friend of mine recently said that I am "consistently inconsistent, securely insecure, and genuinely human". She's right.

The truth is that I'd love to be Wonder Woman. I'm not.

The truth is that I'd also love to be able to say that I am the only person who has ever had a love turn to something else. That I am the only person who can't get certain things right. The only person who sometimes wants everything to stop for a few minutes while I figure out what's happening.

The truth is that I'm not Atlas. I don't have to carry the world on my shoulders. I learned this in therapy.

No, I starting learning this when my daughter, who was five at the time, said: You don't have to be perfect.

Always.

She was right. But I still kept trying. Right through to a second marriage to someone I knew wasn't right. My heart told me that we were great as boyfriend and girlfriend but that marriage would change all of that. I was right. Unfortunately, 9/11 created a lot of marriages. Some great. Some not.

We made great roomies. I just felt we needed to be able to be more to each other.

Then...March 2008. My whole world changed. I tried to fight it but sometimes you really are at destiny's mercy.

Fast forward to today and I have learned something very valuable: You can never 'unlearn' things you wish you never knew.

You can't unlearn that you aren't loved. You can't unlearn that your passions lie in a different direction than someone you love. You can't unlearn that sometimes love just isn't going to answer all of your questions. Even if on many levels it puts your heart at ease. There are so many things that so many of us can't ever unlearn. I am sorry.

It isn't my fault, but I'm still sorry.

Where did I learn all of this? On an adult site. Why? That's where I was when my life changed.

To be honest, I am not singular. I know many people who can tell you the same story. Some of them are my friends. Some are not.

I don't have to worry about their stories here. I only have to, for the first time in years, worry about my own. It's spastic, honest, brutal and silly. But what it will try not to be...for once...is vague.

And that may be the scariest part about this.

11 comments:

Atlanta_Red said...

Why would you want to unlearn anything? With each experience, good or bad, you learn more about yourself . . . about others . . . about how you interact with others and they you.

Bubbles, you already know I think you are amazing. One of these days you are going to believe it yourself.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

Hi Red! I have to start the story from the beginning!

We get to how awesome I am when I get to 'the Paris adventure'! :)

Then the 'geez, Bubbles, your ego is huge' stories can start. It is. But it is filled with happy memories.

And no one should unlearn their own stories.

But there are times when I wish I didn't realize just how sad so many of our fellow 'humans' are.

I say 'humans' because they sure aren't friends, lol!

I went for a run instead of yoga. Yoga was PACKED!

adams1906 said...

Checking you out over here Bubbles! I have a Wordpress blog but really haven't been on there in a month or two?

Free said...

IMHO you've made a great start in your new blog life.
I'm looking forward to some great reads while you have a great time.

BenSmarty said...

I like stories. Lots and lots of stories!

iamkionda said...

Love is a fascinating thing. It has the ability of making us feel every other emotion/feeling as well. So versatile. Very broad too since two people can be on totally different parts of the love line. Frustrating. I've been there as well. We all have. Makes us not want to try again sometimes.

Bravo for sharing your story. :)

gr8ful_deadbeat said...

We walk different paths, you and I... but as I read through this post, I couldn't help but notice how similar our lives can be at times. This touched me more than you know... in ways I won't go into here and now... but I am glad we have connected here on Blogspot. I look forward to reading more!

Pete

Cougar said...

I love the 'Deux'...it fits perfetly.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@ George, I have been trying to figured out how to link to wordpress through here so I can see your posts!

@Free...a start is a start is a start, right? I just made that up. You can tell, right? :)

@Smarty. Something tells me it will be easier to get out stories here. Don't ask me why I know this.

@Kionda...love is ridiculously scary AND empowering. Every time I don't get it right, I hold out hope for the next time. I am the ultimate optimist. That makes for great blog fodder, lol!

@P...I keep telling people that when we listen to each other, we find out we have way more in common than not. Even if is just a love for the human experience of life. Now, if anyone actually listens to me is a whole different story. ;)

@Ms. C! You found us! I am so happy!

Kidfos said...

* Tests the cushions and plush furnishings *

So you are having a blog warming party, right? Tequila and dancing here we come.

Oh wait, do I have to behave on this site?
Do I care?. . .

Glad you found a new home where you can be awesome you. No get writing and keep us all entertained.

Peace
&
Cookies

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Kid

NOW it is a party! Shots all around?

Wait, you want to behave here? No way! Nuh uh. No.

I expect fun, frivolity, the occasional thinking and maybe some groping under the blog table.

Oh, and welcome!