Saturday, March 5, 2011

I Am A Woman With A Mission And A Past To Undo...

A is home from school. That's always a cause for celebration. I haven't seen her since January 5th.

This is the longest time in our lives that we have gone without seeing each other. She decided to skip spring break with her friends to come back to NYC. She says she was 'mom sick'. Good, because I was "A sick".

On the ride home today we talked about kids. A says she doesn't want any. Ever. I say that is totally ok, but she's too young to decide that.

I never thought I'd have kids. I was afraid I'd be a terrible mom. Then A came along and we raised each other. The relationship I have with her and R are my two longest partnerships.

A never met my mom. As much as I loved my mom, I chose to come across country to get away from her. And her insanity. As I got older, I learned to have patience for her, but that didn't extend to my buying a plane ticket to San Diego.

After she died I went through all of my baby pics to show A how childhood in the 1970s looked.

One of my favorite pics is of me and my mom in what I thought was a moment right after childhood. My entire life I thought of that picture as me and my mom after our first few minutes together.

I guess I romanticized it.

As an adult, I learned that no, that wasn't right. That picture was of me and my mom when I was about 4 months old. Right when she had the first of many breakdowns. It put my childhood and its chaos into perspective.

Here was this woman who, at 27, had planned to have a child for years. Then, when I came along, she wasn't prepared.

Sometimes, I get very defensive when I feel my parenting is called into question by people who don't know me and A on any sub-superficial level.

I think the reason is because I have raised both myself and an awesome daughter.

One who could go anywhere she wanted this week. And where she wanted to be was home. With her mom.

She puts my life into the kind of perspective no other relationship can. For that I am always going to be thankful. And spoil her.

(post title: "So have I for you"...Nikka Costa)

6 comments:

iamkionda said...

Awwww! Now I have to call my Mom tomorrow! Lol. I do miss her tons. Hope you guys have a blast together. :D

BenSmarty said...

Sounds like you need to revisit your past a little more often. Have a great week. Hi A!

Atlanta_Red said...

I am so glad A is home this week and that you are her favorite person. But then again, how could you not be?

I don't think you need to undo your past, woman. I think you have learned from it and in doing so, gave your daughter a better life than you had. In the grand scheme of thinks, can we ask for more?

I love you guys!! Big hugs for both of you.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Kionda...I love moms so remember to call yours today! You'd like A. She's a riot of comedy routines.

@Smarty...I have to if I want to really figure out how I got 'there' and 'here'!

@Red...check out the song lyrics. I heard it one day on the train and it was me and my mom. I cried. Then downloaded it.

If it wasn't for my mom's 'needs', I would not be the mom to A that I am. For that I am actually very happy.

She also had thing for 'broken birds', which I try to remind myself to not duplicate although every now and then one sneaks in.

Edward Nigma said...

As much as maybe we want our lives and our families to be like walking through a dewy meadow on a pleasant sunny morning, it's not. It can be gory and messy. But that's ok, because it makes us strive for something more. At least some of us. Certainly you have.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@ Mr. Nigma,

Man, where was my dew? My bunnies? No, just kidding. Honestly, I wouldn't undo any of 'me' or my childhood because I like me enough to worry that one small change and I might be a totally different person.

How's that for ego? ;)