There are days like today, when I miss him more than any words can express.
I want to curl up next to him and tell him that I love him and that I feel safest with him. Then I stop and realize that wouldn't be completely true.
I do love him, but I know that the directions we have traveled have brought us 'apart' not 'near'. So the burden of having the memories is just that: a burden.
There was a time when I could just put my head on "The One's" shoulder and it felt like the whole world actually stopped for a few moments while I caught up.
Maybe that's too much pressure to ask anyone else in the universe to be a part of, or maybe it's too much to ask me to forget what it felt like. Either way, the loss still hurts as much today as it did when my heart first felt the cracks.
And maybe that's what makes me the most sad. I'm not sure at this point.
What I do know is that it's hard to have people placed in front of you who are awesome in so many ways, while you're trying to mend a broken heart. Yes, I can't stay inside, hidden, for the rest of my life. Even though that's really what I want to do right now.
Just sort of hide out.
I feel like now is the right time to do it, before I do some kind of damage that I can't repair. Like say something I don't mean or worse, don't say something that I do.
A lot of this is because I know I am tired of walking with my sister's weight on my shoulders. I want her to figure out her own next steps, but then I wonder if it is fair to ask that from her since she is so clearly damaged in all the ways that really count.
And I want to be able to release a lot of the things that are bothering me, but then what? Burden someone else with them? No, can't do that. So I write. And I plan. And I write some more.
And today...I just happen to miss someone so much that my heart feels heavier than usual.