Monday, May 16, 2011

Or Have You Completely Erased Me From Your Memories...

I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in years, thoughts of "The One" were not my part of my first few images of the day and it made me sad.

There are days like today, when I miss him more than any words can express.

I want to curl up next to him and tell him that I love him and that I feel safest with him. Then I stop and realize that wouldn't be completely true.

I do love him, but I know that the directions we have traveled have brought us 'apart' not 'near'. So the burden of having the memories is just that: a burden.

There was a time when I could just put my head on "The One's" shoulder and it felt like the whole world actually stopped for a few moments while I caught up.

Maybe that's too much pressure to ask anyone else in the universe to be a part of, or maybe it's too much to ask me to forget what it felt like. Either way, the loss still hurts as much today as it did when my heart first felt the cracks.

And maybe that's what makes me the most sad. I'm not sure at this point.

What I do know is that it's hard to have people placed in front of you who are awesome in so many ways, while you're trying to mend a broken heart. Yes, I can't stay inside, hidden, for the rest of my life. Even though that's really what I want to do right now.

Just sort of hide out.

I feel like now is the right time to do it, before I do some kind of damage that I can't repair. Like say something I don't mean or worse, don't say something that I do.

A lot of this is because I know I am tired of walking with my sister's weight on my shoulders. I want her to figure out her own next steps, but then I wonder if it is fair to ask that from her since she is so clearly damaged in all the ways that really count.

And I want to be able to release a lot of the things that are bothering me, but then what? Burden someone else with them? No, can't do that. So I write. And I plan. And I write some more.

And today...I just happen to miss someone so much that my heart feels heavier than usual.


Dreamer said...

Someone who makes the world stop while you catch up is someone you will miss indeed. I know.

And sometimes the only way you can cope is to hide out inside for a while, but it won't be for the rest of your life even if it seems that way. "When the rain washes you clean you'll know."

But don't forget that sometimes just to tell someone else what the problem is can make it seem easier to cope. It isn't necessarily a burden to them either, 'cos they don't have to cope with it, they only have to listen, and they would probably be sad to know you didn't feel you should tell them.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Dreamer: You are always so wise, and yet, how come I have such a hard time 'sharing' except on Saturdays with my therapist? It feels like she is trained not to become burdened, so it's safer?

I know some people hold things in because they don't want to be seen as weak or incapable, I'm learning that as much as I want to share, I am afraid of overwhelming. Or just not having a simple ear. Sometimes, you don't want and answer. Just a shoulder. I think I just rambled.

Chris said...

I guess my question would be do you miss that person or the way you felt when you were around one another. Would you if you had the chance tomorrow to start again be able to get past all that time has given you in thoughts and emotions and just go back to it in stride ?? If things aren't meant to be it doesn't mean the feelings that occurred were for not. Better to have those happy remembrances in moving forward to a new tomorrow but at some point don't we all have to decide if we're living in the past or is there something unresolved that needs dealt with once and for all ??

Hiding out is fine but if you have friends that will be that shoulder then they won't see it as carrying someones burden but helping them by lending a hand on the journey ahead..that's what real friends are for isn't it ?? :-)

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Chris: I said this to Red recently:

If The One walked into my apartment tomorrow, I would toss aside all fears for the chance to get it right for us this time. I know our timing was horrific in so many ways. He came to me ready to be 'us' and I came to him scared that I was not ready because I was married and so clearly not loved by my husband. How did this man know how to love, right? I joke that I lost a husband, a uterus and my child going off to college all in one year. I don't even remember so much of it, except that I would never admit to being depressed. No way. Not the Bubbly one. But that is what I was.

You are right about real friends. In so many ways, I'm just so protective of all of you, ya' know? I know life gets in everyone's way. I have to remember what I felt when I got back from Paris. The lightness. I miss it. A lot.

Chris said...

Yeah where's that Paris smile woman !!! You have the controls over that. :-)

I understand the protecting friends thought...not all need it though some can handle it ya know ;-) Sure life gets in the way for everybody but those with good perspective always make time for friends..that's not a burden it's part of being human and caring for one another.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Chris: Paris seems to have gotten muddied in my memory. I need to fix this soon. Or else I don't know what will happen!

As for my friends...I always tell people I am the luckiest girl alive and I mean it.