Friday, May 20, 2011

I Know, Nobody's Perfect...

There are times when I wonder if the memories I have will just fade to black.

Poof. Be gone.

Or, is it possible that because I feel them so strongly now, long after the moments, that they will just always be with me because for a moment in time, the love felt between two people was just that strong.

There were times that I used to sit up at night and doubt what was happening. How could this man, this stranger, love me as much as he did? Why?

I miss waking up and knowing we would talk. I miss learning more about my favorite adopted city knowing that we would one day live there and explore everything together.

I miss knowing that he could look at me and tell what I was feeling.

It was my decision, you know. To separate.

I wanted us to have a chance to get ourselves right before we made any commitments to each other. It had to be thought-out. I needed that. I thought, no, think, he did, too.

He said it meant I didn't love him enough. I said it meant I would love him until the day I died. Even if we couldn't be together.

...dramatic? Yes. But true.

It's been almost a year since that conversation and 8 months since we last saw each other; 5 months since we last spoke.

I wake up, look around my apartment and see him.

Every day I put on my 'signature' necklace and think of him.

I just think of him differently as time goes on and we don't speak.

And then I think...we deserve to do what I said we should.

Live. See. Understand.

So I am trying. Even when it requires a reminder.


Lisa in Denver said...

Doesn't it suck sometimes to be an adult?

One of the hardest lessons I've learned as an adult is that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean being in a certain type of relationship with them. Disney sure led us astray on that.

I don't how this will all work out for you and he but what I do know is that as long as you can continue to love hugely AND be true to yourself, you'll be ok. And you're doing both!

More hugs - always the hugs!

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Lisa: I am trying to do both! Sometimes, I wonder 'wait'? 'don't wait'?

Then I wonder what it all means, you know? The time apart, the distance. All of it.

Is it a learning lesson? If so, how do I know what has been learned? When will I know it.

Then I think I knew the answer all the time, I just didn't listen to my heart.

And yeah! Adulthood sucks sometimes!