Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Yeah, That Raven Had It Right...Nevermore, Indeed.

I was picking up A last night and she was telling me about her night.

She hadn't seen some of these friends since last August.

Lots to talk about. Most of A's friends are like my own kids. They call me mom. I used to think it odd when her friends would add me to their facebook profiles, until 2 years ago when I was alone on my birthday. Every single one of them texted or called to say: Happy Birthday, mom. Yeah. Not one forgot.

Many of these kids have, at some point, lived with us. I know all of their parents and I trust A with each one of them.

Trust is big for me. I take so long to build it that I hate to have it broken.

I told A about my new home here and she read the recent posts. She's more of a fan-fiction writer, but she likes to see how I say things as opposed to what I say.

She asked me about Red's trip. And we talked about Smarty and GG meeting R. She thought that meant I really like these ladies. I do. A knows that she and R are the last 2 people I have others meet if I can help it.

A thought I should explain why. I thought not. Then I got a text last night that made me think it's just sometimes easier to ignore things until you can't.

When I was 6, my mom and step-dad divorced. I loved B more than the moon or Mickey Mouse or Shaun Cassidy. With him in my life, I had a total feeling of being loved and protected. Having spent the first 3 years with my grandparents, my mom was a stranger to me. But B always made me feel like I mattered.

I remember sitting on his lap on the last day my mom and I were going to be in Lafayette. I was crying and asked B not to leave. I can remember being ‘that’ kid. You know the one. The one who says they will be the best kid ever if their parents would just stay together. B looked at me and said: I never really loved you; I was just staying close to you because of your mom.

Six-year old me hopped off of his lap, went to finish packing my toys and never told anyone what he said. I didn’t say good bye to him, I don’t even remember actually crying. I just sort of dealt. When you had a mom like mine that was the best way. Four years later when my uncle died, B called the house to offer his condolences to my mom. He called twice and each time I hung up the phone as soon as I recognized it was him.

On the third try, my mom answered. She and B talked for hours that day and I went outside to play. When I got home my mom asked me why I didn’t want to talk to him and I refused to tell her. Then my grandmother called and asked the same question. I finally spilled and let it out. They both called B and he drove to San Diego from Lafayette to apologize.

By that time I guess I had decided it couldn’t matter. I could trust myself and I could trust my grandparents.

And that is why, all of these years later I hold A and R up as the ultimate test of what I think of someone. If you meet them or I tell you to check them out on FB or listen to something they’ve done, you are in. Probably forever. Sometimes it seems like there is no rhyme or reason, but there is. It’s just a feeling.

Last night A told me that I should just say it and be clear about why I am like this: I know that I will never let her down so I protect her from anyone who might.

See what a text from someone who says they love you will get you to thinking about when all you want to do is eat ice cream?

10 comments:

V.V. said...

This post made me cry...For many reasons. For you, and for myself.

I don't think I've ever gotten a text, email, card or just a random "I love you" even though I say it a LOT to the people I care about.

I guess you don't know what you're missing if you've never had it to begin with right?

iamkionda said...

Those birthdays alone are hard at least for me. I thank FB on my birthday because of the wishes that I get on my page from everyone. This year was the most heart felt. I seriously thought everyone forgot (like I do every year). Lol.

As far as trust goes...yeah I still have issues with that. I guess the one person that I hold dear to me will be my best friend. Sure my Mom and sister are in there too but my girl (might as well be my sister) is my heart. If you meet her then it's all good. You're in. If not, well I'm not quite there with you.

Only one of my past loves has met her. Of course he was the one that hurt me the most when we parted. Go figure.

Great post!

BenSmarty said...

That A is one very smart girl. She's right, you know. Talking is good.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@VV...I knew I loved you at first sight for a reason.

I hadn't even seen this before I harassed you today. But now I'm in tears.

@Kionda: Wow, isn't it funny who we hold dear and how we 'ration' them out for lack of a better word?

I love FB for the sheer fact that people get to say nice things to people in a quick way. I know sometimes phones are just too much for people.

@Smarty: A is smart! I hope she rubs off on me. :)

V.V. said...

Oh boy. I didn't mean for it to come off as a "woe is me" thing. I know I'm loved by my friends and family. Without question. Without conditions.

I heart you too lady

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@VV...HA! Like I would ever think you and woe ever fit a in a sentence together!

Nope. Nuh uh!

Unconditional love is the best.

Atlanta_Red said...

I can't wait to meet A! Oh, and R too!!

And I have to say this post makes me realize you are much more of a mamma grizzly than me!!

chrisp2412000 said...

Having never once had a Step-anything through my childhood people have asked "Didn't you miss not having a man around ?" I always said you never miss what you never had..and I've always known through listening to others recount their experiences I'd sooner have it that way than to have to endure people's lack of moral compass at times of conflict such as what happened to you.
Having been in relationships where kids are involved and it's obviously over...an eye in a storm to tell a child whether you ever see them again or not they're special..they have great potential and they can be or do anything they wish if they just believe in themselves...is an easy thing to say and doesn't add additional weight when that person heads back out into the middle of the storm.
Human beings self serving selfish behavior annoys me often ...lmao

chrisp2412000 said...

Having never once had a Step-anything through my childhood people have asked "Didn't you miss not having a man around ?" I always said you never miss what you never had..and I've always known through listening to others recount their experiences I'd sooner have it that way than to have to endure people's lack of moral compass at times of conflict such as what happened to you.
Having been in relationships where kids are involved and it's obviously over...an eye in a storm to tell a child whether you ever see them again or not they're special..they have great potential and they can be or do anything they wish if they just believe in themselves...is an easy thing to say and doesn't add additional weight when that person heads back out into the middle of the storm.
Human beings self serving selfish behavior annoys me often ...lmao

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Red: Haha, yes, I am.

I am super protective of the people I love. Look out if you mess with them. :)

I am just really quiet about it. Like a Navy Seal, without the physical strength. ;)

@Chrisp: First, I am SO glad you are here so I can say hello!

When A's dad and I got divorced, we really made a concerted effort to stay friendly or at least stay adults. Neither of us ever wanted A to think that she was the reason, or the solution, to our marriage issues.

Parents have a real responsibility to let their kids know they are loved. You can stop loving each other as adults, but your kids didn't ask for you to be a total tool about life's changes. Sometimes, humans can really suck! :)