Friday, April 1, 2011

We Were The Greatest...Me And You...

In thinking about how to write about the 'why' I have a broken heart, I guess it makes sense to go back and look at how I got 'here'. Where is 'here'?

Here is here.

The day I met my first husband for the first time, I looked at him and saw forever. I could see us growing older together, having children and grandchildren and a lot of other things that seem silly now, but meant everything then.

I was 18. What did I know? Everything. What 18 year old doesn't?

When we divorced, I was devastated. But I was a martyr. He had gone through so many different women during our marriage that at 23, I did not have to do any heavy emotional lifting. It was his fault. Not mine. I was a great wife.

That attitude carried me through dating and falling in love again, but it didn't do me any favors in the long-run. Not having to look at myself meant that I married a second man who not only didn't love me, but wouldn't. Notice I did not say 'couldn't'? There is a big difference.

I tell people that your righteous indignation about an affair only happens when it's your first time dealing with one. Once you have suffered the emotional destruction of either finding out someone you love is having an affair, or having one yourself, your indignation turns to something else.

Or at least it did for me. I learned to forgive.

It is interesting that I am trying out this 'remove grief' during Lent thing and this week has hit me like a ton of bricks. Every regret I had from the past year reared up and kicked me in the face this week. Thanks grief. You bitch.

Yes, right. I forgot. The story. Chato and I. March 16, 2008. That's the day that changed my life. I turned my life upside down. I learned who I was not. I learned who I am. A simple blog comment on the world's largest sex site. Up until that day, I had gotten away with 2 years of: I'm just here to blog, thank you. What happened?

That day should be an anniversary of sorts for me. In fact, a year after, Chato and I were still trying to decide what our anniversary was so we could celebrate in style. We settled on a date in April.

But no, it was March. 16. 2008...

A simple, cheeky comment about Apple and the iTunes monster. I ignored it for a few days. The 'stranger' commenting on my post was unwelcomed on my blog. Who was this guy and what did he think he was doing joining my little blog party? Didn't he see that I had a ton of friends there? What was he trying to do?

Maybe it hurt him that he looked like perfection. Who knows. All I know is that 3 days later we began our friendship.

Nothing has been the same since. Nothing…

Lyrics | Adele lyrics - I'll Be Waiting lyrics