Thursday, July 28, 2011

I Read The Graffiti In The Bathroom Stall...

Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much but it only confirmed
That the center of the earth is the end of the world
.....Green Day, Jesus of Suburbia

I woke up this morning to a text from a friend.

Did I know what so and so said.  No.  I did not. not tell me.

But, but, but...

I hear that the blame game is being played yet again, by people I don't like anyway.  So why listen?  I gave their issues an ear before.  Big mistake.

I get it...people lose their minds before big events. 

The truth?  Aside from pockets of wonderful, I do have to accept blame for some things that have happened over the past year or so. 

Like...not paying enough attention to where my relationship with 'The One' was going.  Or not realizing that my instinct was right. And not trying to act.  Maybe I couldn't have done anything, but I didn't try so now I will never know.

What I do know is that it is true, I was a hypocrite.  I didn't stand by him.  I chose to stay mad about our fight and while I can say people need to try harder, I was busy being angry and hurt.

For the chance to have one moment with him now to doesn't matter, I will always have a place in my heart for you...

Yes, I am to blame because I didn't see the signs 6 months ago.  I just hoped things would work out.

What have these long months taught me?  

So much.

What would I do differently?  

I am not sure.  Fewer people would have gotten in, fewer distractions.  I am correcting this now. Slowly.

But do I accept blame for some of the relationship issues?  Yes.

And if I had that one moment, I would say 'I am sorry I didn't understand, fully.'

So, see, a person can accept blame when it is warranted...

Am I to blame for someone's actions?  No, only my own.

But can blame be assigned by people for any random reason? No.  

It still makes me wonder why people assume you live and breathe 'them'.

That has only ever held true for two people for me...

A and 'The One'.  Last year, I had to let them both go in different ways.

Honestly, that is all I ever wanted to worry about these past few months.

Sometimes, while I am out training, I think about how things have gone and how much more there still is to learn.

And I wonder how life goes by so fast.

Then I get distracted by things that don't matter.  Fortunately, there is always something in the distance to force focus.

Like now...a handful of people heard a story and ran with it?  That is why I am cautious about my circle.  I would rather decide how to train better, be a better employee, friend, mother, whatever...

Then get caught up with people I don't like or talk to anyway.

Funny how Tri life keeps one sane.  Bruises and all.

Maybe more people should try this.