Saturday, March 5, 2011

I Am A Woman With A Mission And A Past To Undo...

A is home from school. That's always a cause for celebration. I haven't seen her since January 5th.

This is the longest time in our lives that we have gone without seeing each other. She decided to skip spring break with her friends to come back to NYC. She says she was 'mom sick'. Good, because I was "A sick".

On the ride home today we talked about kids. A says she doesn't want any. Ever. I say that is totally ok, but she's too young to decide that.

I never thought I'd have kids. I was afraid I'd be a terrible mom. Then A came along and we raised each other. The relationship I have with her and R are my two longest partnerships.

A never met my mom. As much as I loved my mom, I chose to come across country to get away from her. And her insanity. As I got older, I learned to have patience for her, but that didn't extend to my buying a plane ticket to San Diego.

After she died I went through all of my baby pics to show A how childhood in the 1970s looked.

One of my favorite pics is of me and my mom in what I thought was a moment right after childhood. My entire life I thought of that picture as me and my mom after our first few minutes together.

I guess I romanticized it.

As an adult, I learned that no, that wasn't right. That picture was of me and my mom when I was about 4 months old. Right when she had the first of many breakdowns. It put my childhood and its chaos into perspective.

Here was this woman who, at 27, had planned to have a child for years. Then, when I came along, she wasn't prepared.

Sometimes, I get very defensive when I feel my parenting is called into question by people who don't know me and A on any sub-superficial level.

I think the reason is because I have raised both myself and an awesome daughter.

One who could go anywhere she wanted this week. And where she wanted to be was home. With her mom.

She puts my life into the kind of perspective no other relationship can. For that I am always going to be thankful. And spoil her.

(post title: "So have I for you"...Nikka Costa)