Thursday, June 30, 2011

You Want What Lovers Have...

It feels like so many years ago that 'The One' and I were making plans to meet.

A friend of mine from AFF, 'Smurfette', was throwing a birthday party in Rhode Island. I was just understanding that my marriage was over and she invited me to get me of New York for a weekend. It seems that my time on AFF has been filled with girlfriends finding things for me to do to get over a broken heart.

Sidenote: I dare say I am not good at being in love. New blog topic for another day.

When 'Smurfette' asked me to join her and her swinger friends I didn't hesitate. Not because I was a swinger, but because I was going to ask 'The One' if he would fly to New York from Chicago and then drive to Rhode Island with me.

I asked. He didn't hesitate with his yes. And my life was changed forever.

When we met at LaGuardia airport I was still a bit in shock that we were doing this. However, the next three hours flew by while we laughed and told stories as though we had known each other forever. Maybe, in some way, we have. Or had. Whatever.

When we got to our hotel we ordered in and watched ESPN. In another time, on another site, we wrote about this night. Two perspectives but the same outcome. I woke up and could finally say that this was no crush, no joke, nothing but the real thing.

We took our new relationship to a swinger party that weekend and we didn't swing. I danced and drank and he observed and watched over me. A year later I learned what our attendance at that party had done.

You see, I was some random girl from NYC in a red silk strapless dress and silver stilettos and he was a random boy from Chicago in black. But apparently, when we kissed, or danced, or sat together just being, another woman, in another couple, asked her husband why he didn't look at her the way 'The One' looked at me. And their marriage was broken forever.

Years of her swinging, and his allowing it, had brought them to this...a stage of resentment. When the husband told me this during their divorce I didn't know what to say. His answer: We had done nothing but share a moment with a fantastic couple who thought swinging could save their marriage. Instead, two random people showed them that what they really wanted was to just be able to look at someone with passion and love.

Does swinging 'work'? That depends. But I do argue with my friends that it has a shelf-life and that at the end of the day, people want to be loved by someone they consider their partner. Complete love. You know, grow old love. Maybe not everyone. But lots more people than will admit this to themselves or others.


Swimmyness said...

I know I definitely want complete love. To be held and loved by the same person until the day we die. I want to grow old with someone. And I do believe that J will be that one.

I don't think I could do the swinging thing, I'm too "old fashioned" that way. And I really don't mind.

I do think that couples should be confident in their marriages before turning to swinging. It's not something to do as a last resort to save the marriage. I'd assume that seeing your partner engaged in sexual acts and not turn 10 shades of green takes a lot of confidence

AL said...

I whole hardheartedly agree with this. We all want that love and connection. I think swinging is an interesting lens through which to watch the pursuit of this.

I see two kinds of swingers. The first do it for the wrong reasons. For example to save a marriage.

The second type are the ones who feel that swinging is something that takes their relationship to another level. Who knows if it is a 'better' level.

Maybe their are more types...who knows? I am a piss poor swinger lol

Artemis J said...

Whether it's a lover or having a child together...what needs to be fixed is between TWO people. Adding another person into the relationship is a fucked up band-aid. No good can come of it.

That lifestyle may work for people that are healthy about it. Maybe they went into their marriage with the openness in mind and have always had multiple partners.

It seems that a monogamous relationship turning into an open one would not really work in the best interest of everyone.

Artemis J said...

*swimmyness - "I'd assume that seeing your partner engaged in sexual acts and not turn 10 shades of green takes a lot of confidence"


or complete disengagement.

Chris said...

I agree with Arty on BOTH her points !!! Big surprise there :-D

The lifestyle isn't a cure all and it isn't FOR everybody. Realizing that is a healthy thing and having been in it I have seen all forms of what it can do...I've also seen all forms up what happens in vanilla relationships that people go through to remain loyal to people where it's been over for a long time with. People add layers...multiple partners in the lifestyle..distractions in the vanilla world (anything to avoid the reality).
So regardless of what forum both contain people who can make good or bad choices for their own relationships and have the possibility for a healthy relationship in both through communication understanding and respect for their partner.

Some people are perceived to just "jump in with both feet" as swingers...a larger number do the same in younger years with people they hardly know well enough to tie their future to them as well. NO guarantees on outcome of either but the institution of marriage doesn't guarantee a healthy outcome either for 2 people ;-)

It is easy for some to say "I may not be my happiest but I haven't sunk that low yet" as a way of deciding what they have is better than the alternatives but there's plenty of blunt honesty in the lifestyle and at times it brings about the inevitable that was coming anyway and in an unfortunate way does them a favor and doesn't waste time and let's people get on with their lives if it isn't meant to be..sorta like those 2 people who didn't look at each other like you two did. Better to recognize that and find someone who may feel that way about you again rather than plod through life pretending it's normal and you don't actually miss it.

Atlanta_Red said...

The lifestyle does have a shelf life and if a couple goes into it to save their marriage, they will both end up losing.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Swimmy: I am always torn about this because while I enjoy the idea of monogamy, I know it only happens in rare instances. What I have learned is that you can't ask for it, it has to be offered. Thtat was a true turning point in my love life!

Most couples will never admit that they started swinging out of fear or as an escape. I think they think it better to say it is for all of the other reasons first.

@Al: Hi. :) I think that while some couples in the lifestyle get it right, I have met far too many who are getting it not only wrong, but their brand of wrong is spilling over to people who think they are dealing with a couple on the same page. That causes a lot of hurt all around.

I'll say this, I think there is a life-expectancy to this based simply on what I have seen over the years. I'll keep looking for the long-term couple who is married and doing it well.

@Arty: Hi Arty!!! Here's what I have witnessed: Couples who started because of affairs, couple who got married after having been in open relationships with each other; couples who thought it would fix something or hold something together. I'm not ashamed to say that no relationship (friend, lover, parent) stays together with band0aids. That may upset people to hear, but it's true.

@Chris: What??? You Agree with Arty? Wait, me too!

"NO guarantees on outcome of either but the institution of marriage doesn't guarantee a healthy outcome either for 2 people ;-)"....You said it! I tried it 2x and learned this lesson well enough to never forget it. Ever.

@Red: So, as my mentor, I'd like to say that I listen. And observe. And what I've learned is that people are happiest when they tell themselves the truth. Yeah, good luck with that, right?