Tuesday, April 12, 2011

If You Look At My Life You'll See What I See...

"I hate you and I wish we had never gotten married."
....May 15, 2008; then husband's last words before leaving our apartment.

It stared small. A simple argument over one of us wanting to mop our hardwoood floors while asking the other to watch the Yankees game in another room. It escalated, quickly.

For years I said that while I knew "The Runner" had a lot of issues with anger and passive aggressiveness, he never took those issues out on me or "The Girl, A". See how foolish some of us can be at times?

"The Runner" asked me to marry him three times before I said yes. What changed my mind? 9/11. It feels like a long time ago, but it is really only about 10 years.

I never learned to listen to my doubts until about two years ago when I started seeing the world's best therapist.

Until that point, if something was wrong I simply found excuses for why I was the issue - not anyone else and never the actual issue.

"The Runner" was funny, smart, brilliant and gorgeous. How could I find fault with those things? Yes, I had all of the doubts firmly rushing through my head: The 'First Love" who questioned me constantly about why now, why this guy; the best friend who said I was being silly; the best girlfriend who pulled me aside and said she would get me through the wedding, but then would be done because she wasn't on board. All of it. I chalked it up to them not seeing the 'real person' that I saw.

Well...looks like they were the brightest bulbs.

Do you know how someone who is independent views quiet, behind the scenes abuse? Yeah, I didn't either until it happened to me. While I would have picked up on it if it had been directed anywhere else, when it was sent my way, I made up reasons like: He's the youngest and this is how he was socialized; or he's just got to lighten up; or, or, or. And then some more or.

I will always have "The One" in my heart because we were both aware that our timing was terrible.

But on May 15, 2008, when I called my best friend and then "The One" and cried on the phone for hours to both of them, I knew I was going to start packing away the emotional baggage of living in a marriage that was honestly making me sick. I also knew that "A" was well-aware of how unhappy I had been, regardless of how much I tried to hide it.

Six weeks after that night of the great 'angry outburst', I was in Chicago and pretending that time didn't exist. "A" was at camp and "The One" was showing me his city so that I would be able to navigate it like a native. I thank him every day for this gift.

When I returned to NYC July 4th weekend, I was ready to concentrate on all of these real-life things, then I got a call to start traveling with the Obama campaign as an advance-pollster. I sometimes wonder if that is really what did in my marriage. While "A" and I only grew closer during this time, "The Runner" thought my work (both paid and non-paid) was insignificant in comparison to what he was doing. I was 'just' this or 'just' that. And as much as I tried to engage him, I knew it was only on the surface.

September of 2008 was a true turning point for me, "A" and the campaign. Everything seemed to be moving at warp-speed. Right down to "The One" offering to move to New York to be closer to me.

I wonder what would have happened if I had said 'yes'...

(photo by CarbonNYC; Mosaic Heart near Grant's Tomb, NYC)

2 comments:

Christy said...

"Until that point, if something was wrong I simply found excuses for why I was the issue - not anyone else and never the actual issue."

That sounds very familiar.

And therapy is absolutely required sometimes.

Divorce sucks. Even when you know it's for the best.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Christy:

I love my therapist. You know it's a good relationship when your therapist says 'thank you' to you after a session.

Divorce does suck. People think it is an 'easy option' and it never is. Nor should it be looked at like it might be, you know?