Monday, April 11, 2011

No, There Is No Such Thing As "Too Soon"...


I remember when "The One" and I returned from our April trip. He to Chicago and me to New York. We waited a full three hours before we started talking about our next trip.

I swear I thought that we would leave each other that April weekend and probably stay friends, but nothing else. That's not true. I had hopes that I could ignore what I felt.

Then I asked him where I could send him a birthday present. He said to send it to his house. Gasp.

His house? He laughed at me. Over the years, he did that a lot. Laughed at my naïveté about how he felt for me; laughed when I pushed; laughed when I tried to shut down. Laughed at my inability to see where he already knew we were going.

But that April morning, when he laughed, I cried. I had no idea where to go with 'us'. I just knew that I had to try to figure out how to make a lot of people happy from that point forward. Well, a lot of people excluding myself. Years later, when my then-husband and I were filing for divorce, he asked if I was happy.

It is hard to be happy when you put everyone else first. There. Now that I've said it, you can see why I have been seeing the same therapist for two years.

"The One" and I talked every day from that April trip, onward.

We made plans for me to visit him in Chicago that June in time for "Taste of Chicago". I laughed because I thought we could get away with seeing each other every three months or so. He laughed, too. I thought that was enough. Then I couldn't wait and he flew me out to see him for Mother's Day Weekend.

And that began two years of crying each time I had to say goodbye to him. Especially when I left him on an amazingly beautiful May Sunday in 2008 and said, with tears in my eyes, 'when can we see each other again? Three months won't work. I'm sorry I suggested it would.'

I wrote my first love letter to him on the plane ride home that morning. And then I allowed myself to breath. I knew exactly what would happen if I ever had to make a decision to not see him.

I knew there was no way I could do it. Not willingly. But I tried to resist everything that was abnormal about our 'lives' together and instead, focused on raising a teen ager and keeping a husband who couldn't see me unless we were in a crowd, happy.

A few weeks later I was back in Chicago for that "Taste" weekend and again, I could hear my heart break when it was time to say goodbye. I think that is when I started considering that not only was I in love but that nothing had ever been so scary to me before then.

Sometimes, when I allow myself to think about it, I wish I had never understood what it feels like to have that much love given to someone or received, in return.

It's made the past year all that more difficult.

(no rhyme or reason to the choice of images, other than I heart Chicago and the Bean. And so does Kanye).

14 comments:

Kristi said...

My mother once told me that the draw back to being an emotional person is that we feel the hurts as deeply as the joys. Yeah. Smart woman, her.

The alternative? Life without passion and pain and love and joy. Ain't gonna happen. We learn to deal, eh?

Sati said...

*sniffling*

Yes.

Sometimes I wonder if that drawing back at the beginning of a relationship is instinct's way of saying, you know this is going to end badly, and leave you broken. And then it all seems so perfect that we forget that initial feeling.

But then I do it anyway. And I often feel like I have little choice. Like this is going to happen, whether I fight it or not, and the more I fight the stronger it'll be.

Or maybe I'm just not taking responsibility, who the he'll knows.

BenSmarty said...

When I first read the headline, I thought why is she writing about a blogger bash on here?

Second, reading you makes me realize that anything I do has already been done by you, but better.

I tried to pull the "three-month visit card," too. Lasted a day :)

Chris said...

I was talking to a friend awhile back and she said to me I'd go anywhere on the face of the planet for love. My questions to her was..was it for love or the concept of it with a person. At times it seems that the desire to love outweighs the practical concept of who and how. Love is most definitely conditional and not emotional. Certain conditions should be considered before love can truly be established. The time to spend to grow together...the desire to share all things big and small with one another. Less time to think about it... more time to actually experience it.
Loves is for cultivating by two people equally and at the same pace..it doesn't pop up in the garden one day.
I'm in no way attempting to diminish how you felt...but there are times in general I wonder about the process from many when it comes to love.
Please don't beat me :-/

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Chris:

You get answered first because you made me think about something that happened early on. Plus, it is hard to write about things after the fact sometimes.

When Chato first said "I love you" I was mad at him. He knew I wasn't in a position to accept it. I tried to keep boundaries because it seemed like that was what was supposed to happen.

Then, months later, I gave up trying to hold the walls together.

Then, years later, I asked myself why our timing had to be so bad! Chato popped into my garden, for sure.

I weeded him out as long as I could. Then he turned into a tree, I guess, lol. Can you tell that I know nothing about gardening?

Chris said...

Yeah like I know about gardening either lol

It may be a tree but it's for us to discover for ourselves whether that tree will build deep roots in our lives or shade out the sun for a potential new sunrise. If it's rooted and strong and healthy then it's a wondrously beautiful thing. If it's roots aren't solid it has the potential to blow over in a strong wind and knock over our house. Ok no more gardening from here on out :-D

John said...

What Smarty said. I think she too was mad at me when I first said "I love you." Maybe not mad but skeptical, cautious, unsure . . . And once every couple of months quickly became once a month, then once every two weeks and now whenever possible is not enough.

Artemis J said...

A) Ummm...who knew Chris was such a for real philosophical and romantic dude. I said it.

B) It's interesting. With my man, I totally did not want to even consider doing a 3 month thing. I was like "I am not playing if we are not going to be together regularly". I was not about to devote myself to someone I was seeing so little of. Luckily, we were on the same page.

You, my dear...I don't even know what to say. I so know you will have an uber happy ending.

Chris said...

Good lord Arty called me philosophical make her stop !!!

I feel like as your friend I give you practical advice and may come off cold.

Just about a year ago I met a woman and it had all the classic signs. I recognized them and continued anyway with eyes wide open and still got bit HARD !! It was the last of what have been several instances of poor decisions on my part when I should have known better. Can I complain and say "she was this or that" sure...did I know the situation wasn't right...damn right I did. Who's the person who chose to do it for me ?? That would have been me :-D

In the vain of one of your posts recently I listen to a song that at the time summed it up for me and it wasn't just about her it was about me....and it sucks !! and the opening scene of the video is eerily familiar. Carolina Liar's "Show me what I'm Looking For" is it's title and if I ever need a reminder..I watch it...but I watch it rarely and hope I won't have to remind myself of it again.

My first post was more clear but it didn't go through..Ughhh !!!

Atlanta_Red said...

Ahhhhhh! The "don't love me" talk. I remember it very well when it happened to me. I can almost give you the exact words and his look when I told him not to get attached. I had already fallen but I was terrified of the feeling so I ignored it. We don't get to run away. One of these days we will learn to stand up and face our fears. Let's hope anyway.

Christy said...

I'm glad you're finally getting to tell this story. Hugs.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Kristi: Your mom = smart woman! I agree, I'll take passion and heartache over a dull life without love. Maybe that's why I write? You know, just to have an outlet of some kind.

So I only go sort of nuts. :)

@Sati: No sniffles. Not until later.
I think you are right. When "The One" said the "Love" word, I wanted to run away. He did it while we were talking online and then he said: And you can look at the post I just did.

I was like: GAH! No! He knew the timing was bad. Maybe that's why I fell so hard. He didn't care about timing.

@Smarty: Not better, just before. You know, I'm still working on this stuff. I didn't take the last year seriously, not really. And then sometime a few months ago, I started to realize I was dating. Would you believe that this was a shock to me? Yeah, I am slow.

@Chris: Please be prepared for the following: I freaking adore you! You're like a voice of sanity in a really hot body. Yeah, I said it!

@John: You know, I don't know that Smarty girl well, but speaking from experience: When you find what you want, but are still with what you need to find a way to work on or out, you sometimes feel really overwhelmed.

Patience. That is the key to everyone's happiness. I wish I had learned that sooner.

@Arty: no kidding about Chris, right? :)

I was trying to keep a balance with "The One". I was wrong to think I could. Sometimes I think I know so much. Then I realize I know very little.

Funny story: I met a man in Paris who has become a good friend. When he saw my lovebirds tattoo he said: Ahh, you are a romantic. And one day, you will find your true love and never want to wake up without them there. I totally believe that.

@Chris: I LOVE that song! You know, I always take so much responsibility for my actions. Then I take responsibility for everyone else's, too. That's always been my relationship downfall!

Now I'm going to listen to some Carolina Liar. Thanks.

@Red: I'm still thinking about our Friday conversation with M. I love 'love' for everyone else. For me, I want what I want. Right now am I in love? Yes. I am. Do I like it? No, not always.

@Christy: Me too! I like it here just like I was hoping I would.

I guess Smarty was right to suggest it. :) When will NYC see you again?

Christy G said...

How are you ever going to keep all the Christy, Kristi & Chris' apart.

I'm one of them and I get confused !

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@ChristyG: Gawd! I have no idea. I was thinking that the other day. Plus, there is another Chris who reads and doesn't comment and I'm like: GAH! You're all getting color coded.