Thursday, June 23, 2011

Standing In Line To See The Show Tonight...

The thing about having an affair when you're a parent is that you doubt everything about yourself.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my 'pre-affair' self to run far from the relationship I was in at the time.

I would have told myself to listen to what I knew was the right, which was to focus on A and leave the rest of my life to grow like ivy, on its own.

Oh, fuck it. Who am I kidding?

No, I would not have done that. I would have simply told 'The One' that I loved him sooner than I did instead of waiting for the 'right' time.

And, for all I know, the end result of our breaking apart would still have happened. But the hindsight of knowing that I would have had those extra few weeks of 'love' would have been nice.

I started to look at cost of living indexes for Philadelphia today. I remember doing this for Chicago about two years ago. Could I make it there in a relationship and out of one? It's part of the issue of being in a relationship for me: I need to know that I can take care of myself if it ends.

Sometimes, I wonder if that dooms the relationship at the onset, but I don't know how to be any other way. I think men are given a pass for this because that's just how society works. Women are supposed to still know, on some level, that someone will be taking care of them.

It's the beauty of being independent. And the horror of it, too.

I can't always make a date because I have work or some other committment that comes up last minute, but that could come across as not giving enough.

I go through this with friends, too. I find that some of them are totally understaning. And those are usually the ones with jobs more intense than mine. Or children. Same difference I guess.

I spent last year learning a lot about myself. Some of it I truly did not like. Some of it was wonderful to know.

But all of it was what has brought me to this point...this place of being able to say that there was a point where all I did was smile on the outside and be sad on the inside.

I wouldn't go back and be 'that' Bubbles again because it really doesn't feel like it was all that long ago.


Chris said...

You've heard everyone comes into our lives for a reason a season or for life right ?? Maybe "The One" was a catalyst to all that has transpired since then ??

It's your time woman !! Do the research take the time..maybe when you can take a long roadtrip and see some places you haven't been to before you may think of many other options.

It's cheesy but have you ever seen Doc Hollywood ?? You never know where life may take you if you take the same roads every day. Just sayin' :-)

BenSmarty said...

And to paraphrase a line from that great "Doc Hollywood" movie, I've never seen you as trapped in Heehaw Hell. 'That' Bubbles was always pretty deliberate and challenging the status quo... on the outside or the inside.

Kristi said...

"I need to know that I can take care of myself if it ends." and I were so seperated at birth, you know? I operated this way for so long. My Dad calls it planning for the best expecting the worst. Other people call it covering all your bases. But we can't continue being so afraid to fly that we never do land, eh? (yes, Train is on the radio here in the lab at work, lol).
I have to agree with Chris....maybe "The One" was a catalyst for the changes you needed to make....and you can be happy if you've a mind too. Seize it, you deserve it. ;)

Lisa said...

I'm going to touch base on the whole where to live thingy. This is just my perspective and from my own experiences. I've lived in 7 states. I've lived in the city, suburbia, and straight up country bumpkin crap. And I can tell you something I love and something I hate about each place and each scenario I've lived in.

I've come to realize, there isn't a perfect utopia. Where you choose is what you make of it while you're there. You may have your own utopia in your head (I'm guessing that's Paris)....go with the one that feels right....for right now...and will move you that much closer to *your* utopia. It's focusing on the endgame and picking the road that will get you there in the time frame you have in mind and give you clarity and a different perspective. A city that's just like where you are now may not do that for you.

As for "The One", maybe he was there at the right time, in a twisted way, to give you the push that you needed.

iamkionda said...

First, let me say that there is nothing wrong with the need to take care of yourself either in or out of a relationship. I hope that makes sense. If a (wo)man doesn't get/respect that then they are not the (wo)man for you. Sorry...hit a nerve.

Anyway, it sounds like Philly is it. When is the big move? In the fall? Sooner? Don't think about it. Just do it. :)