Thursday, July 7, 2011

'Cause Everyone's Heart Doesn't Beat The Same...


I just recently starting ramping up my triathlon training. I have been good about sticking to my schedule. Right now, I'm running about 25 miles a week; biking another 20 and doing daily strength training routines. Last night, I added swimming.

Or tried.

It seems that I have forgotten how to swim. Apparently, it's been enough years that my arms don't know what to do; my feet don't seem to want to kick; my heart rate never got down to a normal pattern during my laps and I have forgotten to breathe out while above water, not breathe in while I am under.

But I'm going back tonight. Yes, right after I do another round trip to drop off A at camp, and then a five mile run, I will be back in the pool for an hour. What will I accomplish? I am not sure yet. Perhaps it isn't always about accomplishments, but rather an effort. Sounds like a metaphor for my dating life this past year. It often feels like I have never gotten so much wrong all at once before, but maybe I am simply romanticizing some memory or another.

I went to see 'The Actor' over the weekend. He is in my favorite play right now and I made the trip down to cheer him on, and, on some level, to see what we felt after 10 months of not seeing each other.

Funny...ask anyone and they will say he adores me. He does. And I him. Total love. But sometimes, people live their lives doing what they want and they don't always remember there are other people in the universe.

Ask us why we stopped seeing each other and I will say that he did something that he knew would hurt me. He will say I held a grudge because of it. We would both be right.

On Saturday morning he told me the truth about his new girlfriend. She worships him. She believes he is perfect. His words, verbatim. And he doesn't like it. But he does accept it.

His issue with me? I don't. My feelings for him are based on knowing he is human. That's not the same. And I get it.

I left MD on Saturday and cried on the way home. Or at least until NJ. Why? Because this is me. The woman who loves people for their flaws and their perfections. How else can I be honest with anyone? I don't want a god. I want an equal.

'The Actor' is my friend, but on Saturday morning, even though I know he loves me...he made me remember why I was afraid to see him.  I was worried he would do or say what he knew would hurt the most, and I was afraid I wouldn't know how to feel.

Sadly, I felt just what I was supposed to, I guess.

I was reminded of the day my ex-husband told me that it wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that his mistress made him feel like a king.  I did not.  He told me he was torn between us.  I asked if he loved her and he said he wasn't sure.  So I told him to be with her.  To treat her well.  To be honest.  Why? I guess it is because I don't ever want to force a choice and have someone regret their decision. I have a lot of stories like this. One day, I won't have to say this to someone. I am sure of this.

But anyway, back to now. Even with someone you love, sometimes you just have to step back and be prepared to be a friend when, and if, they need you.

Even if you end up being the odd person out.  Or especially when.

I guess I am a far better friend than a lover. That's not such a tragedy, you know?

So tonight, I'm off to swim. I expect to be in the pool every night for the next four weeks. Why? Because I am all heart, even when I am very little skill.

Oh, wow, this does sound like a metaphor for my love life.

And that's not such a bad thing, either.

(image from funny-potato.com)

6 comments:

smarty said...

Ah, this hits home. My ex left me for a younger woman who regarded him with admiring awe. Whereas...I was guilty of rolling my eyes upon occasion. Like when he bought an $80 climbing rope and was all happy because the store threw in a bottle of "Rope Wash".

Re - the swimming - have you thought about a couple lessons? I was always a serviceable swimmer, but I did take some coaching back when I was doing triathlons and it really helped. With improved form, you may not be faster but perhaps you'll be able to swim relaxed and not jack your heart rate up into the stratosphere.

Chris said...

Get some pull buoys and just swim then grab a kickboard and work on your kick another time when you're more comfortable again. Swim Team 5 years ;-)

Being a good and caring friend still qualifies as loving people doesn't it ??

Who wants to be with someone who needs validation all the time...that's nauseating :-/ Not to mention being treated like a king will seem nice until that day when they come back and say "I worship the ground you walk on and you don't treat me like a Queen !!!" Not like that's ever happened to me..it's a fine line between someone who appreciates you and is actually very needy and strokin' a person lol

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Smarty: Coaching sounds like the next step. I was thinking of taking a Masters' Class in August. I did make a nice friend at the pool the other night. He hasn't been swimming in years either and was just as surprised as I was that it ain't like riding a bike!

You eye roll? Yeah, me too...:)

@Chris: Geez, man, you do it ALL! What the Hades. I should get my butt a kick board. Maybe this weekend!

It's funny, my bestie here at work and I were just talking about what men seem to want. Hey, we're still at a loss. ;)

thombombadil said...

I'm leaving this here because you just hung up on me after I called when you said you didn't want to text about it.

I specifically said that I don't want to be worshipped. And I appreciate that you included that. I said that I wanted to be on equal level. And the fact that she worships me is something that I have to struggle with.

Ask me why we didn't work out and I couldn't give a clear answer. Because I never had one. After 6 months of trying to figure out what you really wanted and getting nothing but vague mumblings about how we aren't on the same level (yank-my-hair-out-and-donate-it-to-a-cancer-patient vague, to copy and paste a term from my old blog) I finally accepted that you didn't want to be with me. That all you wanted was my friendship. So I started to move on. And I met someone. And right after I met someone, you tell me that I was wrong. That you did want to be with me.

So who's heart should I break? Mine's already a mess, so it will have to be one of you two. She's not you, and she never could be, but what makes me want to be with her, despite my own displeasure with feeling worshiped is that every problem we've had we've managed to work through by talking. Not yelling, not arguing, but just sitting down and communicating. We never managed to find that medium.

So yeah. I do love you. It's true. And sure, maybe I'm some kind of asshole. But not the one you want me to be. I'm sorry.

thombombadil said...

I'm leaving this here because you just hung up on me after I called when you said you didn't want to text about it.

I specifically said that I don't want to be worshipped. And I appreciate that you included that. I said that I wanted to be on equal level. And the fact that she worships me is something that I have to struggle with.

Ask me why we didn't work out and I couldn't give a clear answer. Because I never had one. After 6 months of trying to figure out what you really wanted and getting nothing but vague mumblings about how we aren't on the same level (yank-my-hair-out-and-donate-it-to-a-cancer-patient vague, to copy and paste a term from my old blog) I finally accepted that you didn't want to be with me. That all you wanted was my friendship. So I started to move on. And I met someone. And right after I met someone, you tell me that I was wrong. That you did want to be with me.

So who's heart should I break? Mine's already a mess, so it will have to be one of you two. She's not you, and she never could be, but what makes me want to be with her, despite my own displeasure with feeling worshiped is that every problem we've had we've managed to work through by talking. Not yelling, not arguing, but just sitting down and communicating.

You and I never managed to find that medium.

So yeah. I do love you. It's true. And sure, maybe I'm some kind of asshole. But not the one you want me to be. I'm sorry.

BubblevishiousDeux said...

@Thom: So, since we talked about this on the phone just now, I guess I can cheat by saying:

I knew on 8/7/10 how I felt and you probably would have heard it, but then the blogger bash happened.

Every time I say I wanted to go back and undo last year, I'm talking about that party and that night.

Nothing was the same after, and we all know it. Not just for us, by they way. Look at the group as a whole. It doesn't exist, which sucks.

So, no re-cap here since we phoned. But you already know how I felt, feel, probably will feel tomorrow and the day after. And no, I wouldn't get rid of your comment. It's how you felt, just like the post is how I felt.