Hello, God, Are You There...

It's me. Bubbles.

Where have you been? What have you been doing?

Oh, you've been busy? Right, I know. The world is a crazy place, isn't it. Oh, yeah, you already know that.

What do I want? Oh, not much.

I'm just sort of checking in. Thanks for taking care of A this weekend while she was on time off from work.

Yes, I know that I forget to say 'thanks' to you. It's so hard, you know? I can't take communion at church, you know. Yes, I am quite aware that this isn't your fault. But they are doing it in your name.

So I don't really go to visit you there all that often. Well, aside from work. Does that count? I sort of hope so.

My friends can't get married in your house, either. Again, not your fault. But it's done in your name.

And we're still at war. In two countries. Still. In your name. Or your brother's. Whatever. Same difference.

Dear God, are you watching over 'The One'? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get over the past few weeks. I am trying.

But I'm still worried. I worry about a lot of things. But right now I'm worried about him. He's stubborn. Never admits to being wrong, or even wronged.

And I hear the stories and I don't believe, but I do. So, if you think about it, check on him. Plus, Chicago has a new mayor and I hear he's doing a good job so it should be a nice trip for you.

Can you also watch over my sister? She's making a mistake. Again. But she's one of those people that must learn things the hard way.

Check in on my friends, please. And my family. And since you're at it, may as well check in on everyone else around the world.

Me?

You still want to know what I want? I don't know.

Maybe I'll just figure it out as I go along. Is that okay? It isn't so bad, you know, not waiting for someone else to come along and figure things out.

Besides, I know that when I want to come visit one of your houses, wherever they are, you'll be cool with it.

For now, training has been my 'religion' of sorts. Oh! I should say thanks for giving me a body that moves. There, I think I've gotten it all out.

But if you do visit Chicago, can you just let it know that it will always be in my heart? It's just that kind of city.

Thanks.

(an open letter to God, just in case she has internet access)

The Road Has Got Me Hypnotized...

And I'm spinning into a new sunrise...
"Radar Love', Golden Earring.

I was showering this morning when it finally hit me:

I'm an athlete.

I'm not fast; or built in a traditional way; I don't come by running, biking or swimming easily; and sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing...

But I'm an athlete.

In coming to sports later in life, maybe there is just a bit more of an appreciation for just how much one has to juggle to fit it all in.

My schedule looks crazy. Everything that I eat has to play a role in giving me energy, or recovery or whatever. But it's making eating so much easier for some reason for the first time ever. The stress of regular life has to take a back seat because otherwise, it will affect training.

When I was running a few years ago, I always downplayed the work. Oh, sure, I'm a 'runner', but hey, anyone can do it.

Or so I kept saying. And on many levels it is true.

But this time around feels new. For the first time, this isn't about someone else's splits, it's about mine. It has little to do with someone else telling me I can do it. But it has everything to do with knowing, on my own, that I can. It's so very scary to be accountable to yourself, but it's also quite empowering. Today, I could feel the strut before I realized it was happening. Yeah, I just finished another 10 miles on the bike. And yes, I do have 6 days of training planned next week. Watch. Me. Work. It.

I have a friend who is training for one of the same triathlons I am doing. He says my enthusiasm is infectious. This from a 'real' Ironman.

Something tells me he'd say I'm the real deal, too. His coaching is a tremendous motivation. And I try to remember to tell him all the time. Hell, your motivation (yes you, out there) is even more inspiring. Thank you.

My heart broke this week in a way I never thought possible. The more I write about 'The One', the more I was missing him. And the more I continue where 'we' are at the moment, the more I just want to train. Am I training away a person or a thing? No, not at all. I’m training ‘in’ myself.

Train. Goodbye. Grow. Start all over until the goodbye part is gone.

Yeah, this can be done.

(image from seriousrunning.com)

One. Awesome. Search.

It took me forever to decide what to title this blog.

Then it took even longer to figure out a tagline. My blurb. An intro.

What is awesome?

I still don't always know.

But I went with it anyway.

And then I began writing a cast of characters and people said...well, how did you find 'The One' and I realized...well, I didn't make it clear. How did he get his name? Uh, it wasn't always 'The One'. For the longest time it was 'Chato', but I didn't want to use that here.

I wanted to start from scratch.

But having someone called the one implies an end. Yet there isn't one. There is, as always, a cast of characters to work through. Real people. Real feelings. Real stories. Real joy. Real pain.

So yes, there is 'The One', and it is just part of the full story. One I didn't have a road map to tell until I realized that I get to make the map.

X marks the spot.

Oh, I Know Something About The Ways Of Love...

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
.....Oingo Boingo

A is home for a one night only appearance. I was happy she was leaving for camp, now I am happy she is home. She is working with an older group of girls this year so her time spent at camp will be slightly different.

For one thing, the older girls say goodbye in different ways than the younger girls.

Older girls know camp will happen again next year and so goodbye is not forever. Younger girls think this is it. The last goodbye.

It usually isn't.

But A is smart because she knows sometimes it is.

It is funny how memories cloud goodbyes. Some people see a time of joy while others see pain and still others see a combination.

This week has become a week of goodbyes. Red says it means something else is opening. I feel like I have tried, on many levels, to let life be. Maybe I have simply over-estimated my role or non-role.

But here we are...

Smarty asked what I wanted. I want to train. I went swimming tonight and tomorrow is a long bike ride day. She asked how I do it. I made a joke.

The truth? I am training my way through goodbyes. I hadn't realized it until I was in the pool tonight. I have spent the last year asking people to be who they are, and accepting.

And it was wonderfully enlightening.

Goodbyes. It is how I first got started as a runner. I needed to say goodbye to my mother after she died, then a marriage, now...the past year.

And now it is time for a more iron-centered focus. And an apartment search. And to go back to letting life just 'be'. And, like the younger and older girls at camp, I will just be reminded that there is often more to come. Next year.

And working through all those goodbyes. Like at camp each year. Goodnight, A. Goodnight, blog. See you tomorrow.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again...

I've been wanting to use that title for a long time now. I almost 'wasted' it back in June, but this morning it dawned on me that now is the time to do a little dance. Get a little jiggy. Shake my bootie, etc.

You see, I woke up and saw my Facebook page looking like a reunion of the best kind.

After all of my time blogging at 'that other place' I am finally done. And that means I lose out on 'seeing' so many of my friends because they are still there, right?

Wrong.

Thanks to a lovely woman who will remain nameless...the best thing just happened: We're all partying on Facebook like it's 1999. Or 2007. Whichever you liked better.

And my heart sang because I had missed so many of these amazing people.

So, right at the moment when summer looked to be getting more difficult because of my training schedule, a little fun came barreling into me and made me smile. Made me a bit nostalgic, too, but mostly, it made me happy.

So...Thanks, MarkyZ. Why? For bringing FB users from all over the world together and not charging us....even when the rumors out there tell us otherwise.

Next...you've asked about it a couple of times...how 'The One' got his pseudonym. And how it impacts 'the search to end all searches'.

'Cause Everyone's Heart Doesn't Beat The Same...

I just recently starting ramping up my triathlon training. I have been good about sticking to my schedule. Right now, I'm running about 25 miles a week; biking another 20 and doing daily strength training routines. Last night, I added swimming.

Or tried.

It seems that I have forgotten how to swim. Apparently, it's been enough years that my arms don't know what to do; my feet don't seem to want to kick; my heart rate never got down to a normal pattern during my laps and I have forgotten to breathe out while above water, not breathe in while I am under.

But I'm going back tonight. Yes, right after I do another round trip to drop off A at camp, and then a five mile run, I will be back in the pool for an hour. What will I accomplish? I am not sure yet. Perhaps it isn't always about accomplishments, but rather an effort. Sounds like a metaphor for my dating life this past year. It often feels like I have never gotten so much wrong all at once before, but maybe I am simply romanticizing some memory or another.

I went to see 'The Actor' over the weekend. He is in my favorite play right now and I made the trip down to cheer him on, and, on some level, to see what we felt after 10 months of not seeing each other.

Funny...ask anyone and they will say he adores me. He does. And I him. Total love. But sometimes, people live their lives doing what they want and they don't always remember there are other people in the universe.

Ask us why we stopped seeing each other and I will say that he did something that he knew would hurt me. He will say I held a grudge because of it. We would both be right.

On Saturday morning he told me the truth about his new girlfriend. She worships him. She believes he is perfect. His words, verbatim. And he doesn't like it. But he does accept it.

His issue with me? I don't. My feelings for him are based on knowing he is human. That's not the same. And I get it.

I left MD on Saturday and cried on the way home. Or at least until NJ. Why? Because this is me. The woman who loves people for their flaws and their perfections. How else can I be honest with anyone? I don't want a god. I want an equal.

'The Actor' is my friend, but on Saturday morning, even though I know he loves me...he made me remember why I was afraid to see him.  I was worried he would do or say what he knew would hurt the most, and I was afraid I wouldn't know how to feel.

Sadly, I felt just what I was supposed to, I guess.

I was reminded of the day my ex-husband told me that it wasn't that he didn't love me, it was that his mistress made him feel like a king.  I did not.  He told me he was torn between us.  I asked if he loved her and he said he wasn't sure.  So I told him to be with her.  To treat her well.  To be honest.  Why? I guess it is because I don't ever want to force a choice and have someone regret their decision. I have a lot of stories like this. One day, I won't have to say this to someone. I am sure of this.

But anyway, back to now. Even with someone you love, sometimes you just have to step back and be prepared to be a friend when, and if, they need you.

Even if you end up being the odd person out.  Or especially when.

I guess I am a far better friend than a lover. That's not such a tragedy, you know?

So tonight, I'm off to swim. I expect to be in the pool every night for the next four weeks. Why? Because I am all heart, even when I am very little skill.

Oh, wow, this does sound like a metaphor for my love life.

And that's not such a bad thing, either.

(image from funny-potato.com)

Maybe You Will Always Be...Just A Little Bit Out Of Reach...

Usually, at this time of year, I am returning from my trip to Chicago. I love the city during "Taste of Chicago" because it was there that I truly knew what it meant to be falling in love with "The One".

This year...I went to DC for a day and saw "The Actor", but more on that later.

Now, I want to talk about what was happening around this time last year.

I had just seen 'The One' for a few days and we talked about all that had gone wrong and all that had gone right. I told him that when I left Chicago, I would be doing it as a single person. That I thought we should take time to think about what we wanted or needed, but that the only place I really wanted to be was with him. I also mentioned that I was still having the trust issues of him having left me in Austin and I needed time to work on this.

Meanwhile, back at home, both 'The Prince' and 'The Actor' were checking in on me. I think they knew how hard it was for me to be in Chicago.

While I was driving back to New York, my cell phone started going off like crazy. None of the texts were really to me, but rather, about 'The Prince'. Our hostess from Maryland was trying to figure out how she could find time alone with him in DC at our next blogger bash and people kept asking me how to answer. To be honest, I wasn't sure. No one realized that he and I had agreed to share a room with 'The Actor' and one other blogger, and I didn't want to be the one telling everyone so I just said: It will work out. I honestly believed it would be just fine.

And there it started...weeks of learning that regardless of if we called it a blogger bash or a swinger's party or a rodeo in the outback, people made plans to be with people and then hid the plans. People cried and they manipulated and they told strange stories to get others to do what they wanted.

One gentleman asked if I would be his birthday present...

Yeah...exactly. And that's all good, except, knock on wood, I didn't go to these parties to hook up. Ask Smarty, I was always upset because I was trying to get out of them. They weren't fun for me. They were work. And frustrations. And lots of other things. But I am a firm believer that no one else had to know about this, at least not the guests.

So, here we were, in the weeks leading up the DC Blogger Bash and all I wanted was to be far away from it. Now there is a weekend I wish I could un-do and never do again.

But, wait, that's a story for later. For the time being, 'The Actor' and I were having a blast doing the silliest of things like museums and making popcorn and sharing stories about our mis-spent youth. Ahh, what a start to summer it was...Oh, and I was quite sure ‘The Prince’ was in love, or something like it, with our hostess, and that she felt the same.

And there is the story you won’t hear in the Grease-edition.