I Let My Melody Shine...

I am often curious about how others see 'love'. 

I have been wildly in love twice.  Once with A's dad and once with 'The One'.

I will always love A's dad because he is a part of me through her.

'The One'?  No one will ever be him. That is both wonderful and sad but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Last summer I spent time getting to know two men. One, 'The Prince' and the other 'The Actor'. They could not be more different from each other or 'The One'.  Not even if they tried.

Perhaps that is how I came to let them in to my life.  They each brought a different sense about life, friendship and love to me.

I hope I brought something to them.  Bring?  Is that the better word? They are both still in my life in different ways.

I love them both, but in that kind of love that defies traditions, logic or definition

They have each taken care of me in different ways; each listened to me; watched me cry or laugh or just left me alone to think.

Odd, these two.  Two people I did not want to meet.

And here we are, a year later, and they have each shaped me through their own behaviors. I learned to trust in some ways and become more guarded in others.  Or maybe it is just that I am guarded in new ways.  Or I just think I am.

They have each dated women I have either known, or known about, and I have grown from that as well.

To learn what drives people to some and not others is interesting.  And frightening.

30 days to write a story.  I can't do that without mentioning the people who have played a role in a year I often wish I could undo.  But without them, or this past year, I would not be changed.  And change is good.  So, here we are. A prince, an actor and a story.

Tomorrow You'll Be Thinking To Yourself...

'Where did it all go wrong?'
....All American Rejects

Five years; 593 posts; countless hours spent writing, editing, posting and re-editing.

World's Largest Sex Site? Or World's Largest Collection of unhappy people?

Now that is a question for the ages.

I woke up the other day and realized that for many reasons, logging into AFF disgusts me in many ways. I can fool myself and say that being on the site that long didn't change me, but it did. Did I affect the site in any way? Perhaps.

Okay, maybe. I have met some of the most amazing people there. And I've met nut jobs. No, honestly, they are insane in ways I could have never imagined.

But, because the site encourages its members to go beyond the 'lighter shade of pale' in how we interact with people, all sorts of things happen.

Like...

People lie to themselves about what they want; but, if they use the site for sex and blogging, they can lie all the way to the top of the popular lists;

People hate their families for allowing their bad behavior. And they write about it;

People don't like themselves. And they write about it without even realizing it;

People want to re-live their version of "16 Candles" without the quality acting. No Long Dong Duck for them. Just lots of nuts.

People are not having sex. Not me. Them. We know this because they write about it. A lot. I honestly believe if they used the site for dating or even just casual sex more often, some of them would be happier. Or at least less hateful.

How to explain this to the average reader? I just don't even know where to start.

I met the love of my life there. In that place. No one will ever be 'The One' and that is both good and bad.

I asked Smarty the other day if I could write a book of love letters to a man I'm no longer with just because I still feel the same way. She said I could. So I will.

But at the same time, I want to understand a place that helped shaped my life in many ways.

So...Love. Learning. Fulfillment. Disgust.

Oh, wait, that sounds like being in love and being on AFF. Yeah, I guess I can do this writing stuff.

Who knew?

I Was A Willow Last Night In My Dreams...

I bent down over a clear running stream...

....'Crazy on You', Heart

I picked up a new yellow journal this week. It is the same PacMan Moleskin that I have been using for a few weeks now, but I needed to start from scratch.

I wanted to give myself a do-over of sorts.

You see, it's been a rough few weeks.

My friend lost a sister;

My best friend is finally having to admit that he's not in the relationship he wants;

Another friend lost his mother;

A new friend is mourning the anniversary of losing not just one, but two mothers;

"The Girl" is home from college and feeling very stressed.

And my faith in others has been bruised a bit in the most insane of ways. You know how something unexpected takes the wind of out your sails? Well, there. Then you know how I feel.

Or felt.

Putting it behind me, right? Getting over it. Learning that sometimes, people care more about those who leave than those who stay.

Writing about this whole sex in the city existence I have (as my therapist has called it because I wouldn't have thought of it).

It's all a lot to work out at once. I kept telling myself that I would focus, and I haven't.

That I would stick to a theme here, and I have, but at the same time I have traveled off of my own path.

Write a book. Train for triathlons. Open my heart. Forget that it is hurting in the first place.

Right now, I'd rather fly to the sun on wings made of paper than do one of those things.

And that's exactly why I'm trying so hard to remind myself that the hardest things to do are the most necessary.

So, today, A is home and we are setting our schedule for the week. I will run, and swim, and bike through whatever is ailing me.

And lucky for this space, I'll fill it with details of how one moves on from what they allow to hold them back.

I Know, Nobody's Perfect...

There are times when I wonder if the memories I have will just fade to black.

Poof. Be gone.

Or, is it possible that because I feel them so strongly now, long after the moments, that they will just always be with me because for a moment in time, the love felt between two people was just that strong.

There were times that I used to sit up at night and doubt what was happening. How could this man, this stranger, love me as much as he did? Why?

I miss waking up and knowing we would talk. I miss learning more about my favorite adopted city knowing that we would one day live there and explore everything together.

I miss knowing that he could look at me and tell what I was feeling.

It was my decision, you know. To separate.

I wanted us to have a chance to get ourselves right before we made any commitments to each other. It had to be thought-out. I needed that. I thought, no, think, he did, too.

He said it meant I didn't love him enough. I said it meant I would love him until the day I died. Even if we couldn't be together.

...dramatic? Yes. But true.

It's been almost a year since that conversation and 8 months since we last saw each other; 5 months since we last spoke.

I wake up, look around my apartment and see him.

Every day I put on my 'signature' necklace and think of him.

I just think of him differently as time goes on and we don't speak.

And then I think...we deserve to do what I said we should.

Live. See. Understand.

So I am trying. Even when it requires a reminder.

Or Have You Completely Erased Me From Your Memories...

I woke up the other day and realized that for the first time in years, thoughts of "The One" were not my part of my first few images of the day and it made me sad.

There are days like today, when I miss him more than any words can express.

I want to curl up next to him and tell him that I love him and that I feel safest with him. Then I stop and realize that wouldn't be completely true.

I do love him, but I know that the directions we have traveled have brought us 'apart' not 'near'. So the burden of having the memories is just that: a burden.

There was a time when I could just put my head on "The One's" shoulder and it felt like the whole world actually stopped for a few moments while I caught up.

Maybe that's too much pressure to ask anyone else in the universe to be a part of, or maybe it's too much to ask me to forget what it felt like. Either way, the loss still hurts as much today as it did when my heart first felt the cracks.

And maybe that's what makes me the most sad. I'm not sure at this point.

What I do know is that it's hard to have people placed in front of you who are awesome in so many ways, while you're trying to mend a broken heart. Yes, I can't stay inside, hidden, for the rest of my life. Even though that's really what I want to do right now.

Just sort of hide out.

I feel like now is the right time to do it, before I do some kind of damage that I can't repair. Like say something I don't mean or worse, don't say something that I do.

A lot of this is because I know I am tired of walking with my sister's weight on my shoulders. I want her to figure out her own next steps, but then I wonder if it is fair to ask that from her since she is so clearly damaged in all the ways that really count.

And I want to be able to release a lot of the things that are bothering me, but then what? Burden someone else with them? No, can't do that. So I write. And I plan. And I write some more.

And today...I just happen to miss someone so much that my heart feels heavier than usual.

Sweet Things You Say To Me...

I'm just not 'feeling' it anymore.

If you were to ask me what happened, I couldn't tell you with a straight face.

I just know the feeling is gone.

Maybe it was 'The Prince's' last two posts. Each one explaining how he's not seen as the hot, hip, happening thing in his chosen city.

I read the words and didn't reply because I didn't want to throw off whatever vibe he was giving out.

What I took in was: 'Why, yes, I do have a pretty awesome girlfriend in a pretty awesome city, but that's just one girl in one city.'

'It's not really enough.' Then I remembered: It isn't.

Have I explained this to him? Yes, I have. I know that deep down, he hears me. If I thought otherwise, I'd have run, screaming, long ago.

But with all that knowing, I am only sure of one thing: My faith and devotion have been tested and on many levels, it's what I know I deserve for taking this chance in the first place.

Yes, I took a step down a path I wasn't sure about and learned a most valuable lesson:

My instincts are smarter than I am. Thanks, instincts, for the reminder.

Alpha. Omega. Beta. Zeta. Whatever.

The people and places shown in front of me only make one thing clear: Perhaps there is a need to remove all of the old. Not just some.

I'm not even sure if I am feeling sad or something else at this point.

Relief? Resignation? Surely not resolution, but I'll get there

Sadly, (or not) I always do.

I Could Never See Tomorrow...

But I was never told about the sorrow.
.....'How can you mend a broken heart', Al Green

Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I think back to February of last year.

Waiting in an airport in Houston, and then finally landing in Austin...

Realizing 'The One' wasn't going to be there to meet me and walking through the airport trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

I could feel the tears streaming down my face so I wrapped my scarf up just a little higher.

When I checked into my hotel I was grateful that they had given me a room facing away from the sun. As soon as I closed the door I climbed into bed and stayed there for two days. While my girlfriends called and begged me to eat, I stayed under the covers and tried not to exist.

I cried because I played my own starring role in damaging our relationship and then I cried because I had never felt so alone, then I cried some more because the answer to what felt like all of the world's ills lay in one direction and I couldn't figure out how to get there.

On day three I went outside and looked around at a city that is both beautiful, and on many levels, will always terrify me.

I have been through heartache before, but in Austin, I learned what it feels like to fall from the greatest height, with no net.

And, still, a year has gone by and you still won't find me saying bad things about 'The One'. I take the responsibility of not paying attention to where our relationship was going, or maybe it is more that I did not fully understand how we got to where we were.

The ending is the same. The feelings are the same. The emotions just as relevant today as they were 14 months ago.

The difference is that I am trying something I have never done before: learning to embrace the parts of life that make me happy and being ok with believing there is something just for me, whatever it is. Is it moving on? No. Yes. I don't know. We haven't spoken since Christmas. I am trying to get this all right. To do what is needed amd expected.

Of course, in no way do I get this right all the time, but just having the ability to discuss so many feelings has been eye opening. Or is is it heart opening?

Either way, insomnia makes it worse in so many ways. Relationship hindsight is the universe's big joke on all of us.